Romancing the Future

Tonight, I went with a friend to see another friend sing some jazz in Salem, MA. His set was backed by a drummer, upright bass and pianist. The moment the musicians showed up, I was attracted to the bassist. It didnt’ strike me right away, but Chris was playing a lot of bass when I met him. He didn’t play upright, but he still played bass. I don’t know if there is anything to my attraction to this bassist, or not, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

I ate some delicious Thai food and by the end of the night, I had consumed two glasses of plum wine. Wine has always made me feel sexy. Chris used to notice it. I would tell him he was beauitul and how completely attracted to him I was and he would chuckle and say, “It’s the wine.” He was so right. Wine just gets me going.

So, it’s no surprise that after glass number one, I was eyeing and smiling at the bassist and by glass number two, I was thinking up ways to approach and talk with him. However by glass of water number two, he may as well have been part of the wall for all I cared.

It’s interesting that I’m beginning to look at men. I’m not ready to do anything about any of this, but it’s interesting that I’m looking. I wonder if the fact that he was a bassist was reason enough to stay away. I know I’m not going to replace my Chris, but I don’t trust myself yet. Not only was he a bassist, but he was adorable, dark brown hair, glasses, musical and very focused on what he was doing. Sound familiar? I don’t trust myself. I’m just not going to do anytihng about any of it. It’ll happen when/if it happens.

For the past two days, I have felt pretty okay. I haven’t burst into tears, I’m feeling relatively calm and I have a feeling that I have been able to “let go” just a little bit more. By “let go”, I mean that I don’t feel guilty about being out and having fun tonight or about having entertained the idea of talking with the bass player. He was quite a good musician.

On the way home this evening at 11:30, I stopped to put air in my tires. I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t used to be afraid doing such things before I met Chris, but I became frightened after we had been together for a while. He didn’t worry about me very often, which was usually nice. For example, if I told him I planned to be home by seven o’clock or so, and ended up running a couple hours late, I would call because I was certian he’d be worried. When he answered the phone, I would say, “Hi. I’m running late. I just wanted you to know.” he would reply, “Oh. I was sleeping.” or “Oh, I didn’t realize.” or he simply wouldn’t answer the phone because he didn’t feel like it. At first, I felt unloved, but I grew so used to it, that I used to laugh and say that I worried about myself for him. I did, too. I would feel sick inside that I was running late, certain that I was causing him worry, when all the while I was only causing worry to myself. I really loved us.

Once in a while I would run late and he would admit that he was beginning to become worried. That’s all a girl really needs to hear and I told him as much. He just laughed, but at least he knew what I needed. We always talked openly about that. If I wanted a hug, I would simply stand up, face him and say, “Hug me, please.” and if he hesitated, I would follow it up wth “Now, please.” I never expected him to “know” what I needed. I told him what I needed. What difference does it make if the result is the same? None. I never expected Chris to know what was in my brain. By the time we were married, he begain to know, though. That was nice.

So tonight I was feeling beautiful, smart, strong and flirty. Not bad qualities. I’m keeping them all to myself though, until I’m certain I can trust myself to venture into the unknown and not to try to recreate Chris. Chris is the only love I have ever known. When I can venture into the unknown, then I can begin to trust myself little by little to create a future instead of trying to recover my past.

I let Chris go so beautifully the day he died. I need to learn to release the hold the memory of us has on my life, now, and set my mind, body and soul free. That's going to take time.