Another Start

I’m scared again.

Bedtime is in eight minutes. Although I have made the decision to go to sleep each night by 10pm, I can feel opposition coming from within myself. Instinctively, my body and mind want to stay awake and exhaust me. I’m going to try to explain.

I know I feel that if I’m not crying, it means that I didn’t love him. It’s not true, but I feel the guilt that sort of thinking promotes. If I get lots of rest and eat right (I’m still tying to master the latter), I will feel better and then I’ll have to deal with what I think that means; that I don’t care anymore, that I don’t miss him, that I never loved him and all that headtrip stuff.

I don’t want to cry tonight. I’m tired of crying. How can I prove to myself that I love him if I stop cying? How can I prove it to him?

I feel sick,again. As bizarre as this sounds, I keep remembering, with a start, that he’s dead.

Shneed.