Good morning, everyone.
I'm just checking in to see how you're all doing and how Chris' birthday went for all of you.
I found the day and Thanksgiving to be extremely lonely and very difficult to get through, which is why I knew I couldn't spend it with you as I had originally thought I would.
As it turned out, celebrating his birthday was not the best idea. I realized part way into it that I was just waiting and waiting for him to show up to his party.
Very hard.
Live and learn, right?
AJ
Hey there Robin,
Sorry the day(s) were so hard. I was thinking about you. My grandmother called me that afternoon (Wed.) to let me know she had dedicated the 9 AM Mass in Chris' honor at her local parish - she set it up last January, I was impressed she remembered - but that's a grandma, right? :) I spent the day thinking a lot about him, "talking" to him, thinking about the last week I spent with him. My boss at work here has been super supportive, and knows this is on my mind. She clipped a newspaper article about coping with grief at Christmas. I couldn't find it on line, but will try to photo copy it and send it your way. Thought you might enjoy my response to her:
"The funny thing about Chris is that he HATED Christmas. The commercialism got to him, and he never had very much, so he always bashed it, which was amusing, because he wasn't truly nasty about it, he just expressed his objections freely. The irony that he entered the hospital Christmas Day was not lost on us.
Mindy did a double take when she realized that the entire Christmas week through NYE will be anniversaries of Chris' death/dying, and that my Mom's birthday is NYE (12/31/44). She thought that was a lot at once. Maybe, maybe not. I think while my mom is still here it doesn't feel overwhelming, but when she does pass on...I guess I don't think about that much.
Attached is a picture Chris' mom sent around on his birthday (11/23). I don't think I've shown you one where he actually had hair. And I still remember sitting with him that last week and him scratching his head and saying how happy he was his hair came back, and he hoped it would stay. I told him I didn't think he needed to worry about that."
Mindy (social worker) had told me that it is common for people to relive these experiences on the first anniversary of it, and told me to be prepared that I would be re-running the events as they happened. And she's right, I know it already. The car breaking down on our way. Waiting for the tow. The tow. The trip down. Missing "the Vermonters". Seeing him for the first time and thinking he looked so Hispanic, I didn't recognize him immediately. The daily visits, his thinking we ordered pizza, having a smoke right there in the living room, talking to/sitting with him...and then NYE & the next day. I'm still sort of amazed that it gets to me the way it does, though I understand it's normal. Guess I just didn't expect it.
I still think that if you even toy with the idea of celebrating Chris' birthday, either start at his last one & count backwards, or pick a random date to celebrate each year. Do something silly like celebrate his 14th birthday or something. Or just take the time to remember him, and screw the cake (chocolate's OK though).
Anyway. Take care of yourself, and make good on your promise to get up here when the snow is gone.
AJ
Bec
I'm not really into birthdays and generally don't keep track of them. So, one side effect of that attitude was that the milestone of Chris' birthday didn't have much effect on me. I thought maybe I was fine. But now, as I set up my rehearsal schedule and setlists for First Night and start to make plans to go back home for Christmas and do a gig (Dec. 21) at the Skellig I can feel my heart get heavier.
Now, it's starting to come back. I'm remembering a hairless Chris with his Red Sox winter hat in the "audience" (pretty much just Chris, my sister and a few barflies) at my Skellig show last year. Remembering that surreal last visit as he was in his words "just cancering out."
Remembering playing in Rutland and feeling so far away from him and from everyone and driving home on that clear cold night knowing there would be a phone call coming with the final news...
Oy, the holidays suck sometimes don't they?
Bridget
I've tried to respond to you a half dozen times, and each time I become bogged down in sentiment (which I despise) or morbidity. Chris' death and my father's are all mixed up in my head. I hadn't finished mourning one when I had to begin mourning the other.
His birthday was tough, but Thanksgiving was worse. Almost like it being past and over was more depressing. Frankly since the weather turned cold, I've been pretty down with the memories of this time, last year.
I'm not looking forward to the coming holidays. I don't usually anyway, but this year, I'm doing as much as I can to avoid them. You know, Burrage was the only other person I knew who felt about Xmas as I do, the only one who"got it" if I said anything negative about this sacred secular gift-fest.
I miss him in so many ways, not just for times past but all the current and future things, too. When you guys moved back from L.A. I was so psyched, cause I'd really felt like I lost touch with him out there, and now we'd have a chance to reconnect. And with my kids, who take up a lot of my time, I still thought, well, when they get older, it'll be easier, we'll have time. And of course, we didn't. It's so stupid and I don't know why I'm dumping this on you. You see why I've deleted all the previous attempts to respond, this is where they always lead. He was unlike anyone else I knew, and I drank him a toast and ate a grilled cheese sandwich on his birthday.
Anyway, we'll all get through this, all these firsts, and the seconds, and I don't know if it gets easier, maybe we just get used to living with it. I do hope you can come up where the spring returns. I'd love to see you.
Louns
I sort of thought about Chris' birthday for sometime. I have a tough time remembering birtdays but there are always those that stick in my head. Obviously Chris' was one of them, along with my other roommates. I had just recently talked to Mike Dziura, in early November, to find out about his newborn baby. Also I wanted to wish him a belated Happy Birthday. This got me thinking that Chris' was coming up. But what made me really think about missing Chris is when Dziura told me that he named his child Gabriel Christopher, in memory of Chris. I thought that was really great and a nice memory. I miss him and on that day, all I could do was wish him a Happy Birthday and toast him.
Thank you for sharing.
Shneed
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