There is such a difference between the way I felt when I knew I was going to be meeting up with Chris for dinner and the way I feel right now, knowing that I’m going to be meeting up with date-guy for dinner and the DaVinci Code tomorrow evening.
I’m curious. That’s why I’m going. Curiosity. Nothing more.
He’s not my Creej. That’s who I really want to be going out with for the rest of my life, but I don’t get to do that.
I hate so many things right now, yet in the midst of the hate, I know I’d rather be out with date-guy tomorrow evening than anywhere else. That has to count for something.
Maybe it won’t work between us. Maybe I’m not a match for him. Maybe he’s not a match for me.
I hate the instability of my widowhood. I can complain about my plight, about the fact that I don’t know if I’ll ever have a stable love life again, but the truth is that nothing is stable, not even life. People meet, fall in love, break up...and people die.
I’m not even sure I want to be dating right now, but I’m glad I have started. This way, if I decide that it’s not the right time, at least I know I tried, that I was open. I just feel as though I am in for a couple years of intense growth. I’m not sure I can do that with another person in my life.
But for now, it’s dinner, DaVinci and date-guy.
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I've been reading your blog most of the afternoon and evening. I love your writing and I feel your pain so deeply.
ReplyDeleteI know there are no words to ease the grief and loss, but I stretch out my hand to offer comfort and courage.
I hope this evening goes well ... not that you come home thinking you've found Mr. Right (or even Mr. Right Now), but that you come home having relaxed and enjoyed yourself in the company of a man.
You write about Chris the way I write about Nick: He was the great love of my life, and I will never ever have the profound bond that we two shared. It is an unspeakable loss, and it tears me apart to read of yours.
A conversation I had with a fellow YWBBer at about the 9-month mark stuck with me and gave me hope: We lost our soulmates. But we have been changed, irrevocably so. We are repairing a soul that was torn in half. Perhaps when we rebuild our new soul, we'll find a new soulmate.
That has been my work since then: Rebuilding my soul. Painful and brutal, but ever-so-slowly, fruitful. As Ann E says, be gentle with yourself.
-- Pentha, wishing you a measure of peace today
If you don't mind, I'd like to post a link to here on my blog. Let me know...
Hi Pentha. I am so sorry you are enduring your own hellish nightmare. What we have gone through and continue to contend with every day is enough to break any spirit in two. I love the comment about soulmates. I derive much comfort from the thought. I would be honored if you would place a link on your blog. My aim is to help others through the recording of the events of my journey through grief. The more hurting and broken souls who see it, perhaps the more people you and I can reach with our stories and our hope.
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