Saturday, August 19, 2006

Sliding Doors

The other night as I lay in bed I had an interesting thought.

Of course I wish Chris was alive, so much so that I began to cry. I became aware that I met Marc because Chris died. I would not know him today if Chris was alive and we were still married. I worked myself into a grief episode and thought, “I wish I never...”

The wish was going to be that I never met Marc, but then I realized that I could not finish that wish. I’m glad I met Marc, even if Chris’ death is what made it so. I am really beginning to have feelings for Marc.

Confusion and more grief are setting in. I wish Chris was still alive and that we were still married to each other. I am glad I met Marc. Both of those statements are true and that realization has the capacity to lead me to the brink of insanity.

Two men. One dead. One alive. I feel like I love them both and I feel as though the two of them are intertwined in some way. The two of them are intertwined in my grief and contrasting happiness.

I believe that Chris brought me and Marc together. How else could I possibly have found a man so much like Chris, unless he was a gift?

Marc has a Novocain effect on me. When I am with him, grief fades into a fog. I forget my sadness during the time I spend with him.

I am not yet ready to let go of my sadness. To do so is a horrible act of abandonment on my part. I cannot yet abandon my Chris. I feel as though he still needs me.

He’s probably laughing at me for that.

3 comments:

  1. Yup... right there with you.

    Ron and I frequently have said that we wish we had never met... that we had never had cause to meet... that Carol and Nick were both still alive... that Ron and I were blissfully unaware of the YWBB... that we were still DGIs...

    Of course, since Nick and Carol are dead, Ron and I are profoundly grateful to have found the board, to have met each other, to have fallen in love with each other.

    But if only we hadn't...

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  2. Yeah. If only. It's going to be tough for a while, I think. "Me and Marc" are sitting on a nerve that's directly connected to "Me and Chris" and what might have been, what could have been and what should have been. I don't know what's going to happen. I only know that it isn't happening fast enough and that that's probably for the best. I think Marc knows that. He's such a brave person to put himself in my life.

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  3. Anonymous5:53 PM

    As I've always been told, "God doesn't close a door without leaving a window open first." - Some food 4 thought.

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