Grief's Cameo

I have been reluctant to admit to myself that I have been experiencing some sadness and anxiety, lately. I have been having such a wonderful couple of months and I really want the happiness to last, but the truth is that grief and depression have been trying to poke through my recent mood elevation.

I went out to dinner, a play and a cabaret show with Mario, the musical theater guy from last year this past Saturday evening. It wasn’t a date. We’re just friends, as far as I’m concerned. I’m hoping he feels the same way. I had a blast. Mario played piano for the cabaret artist, so I sat alone in the audience, watching the show. I began to wish that Chris was with me and that we had come to the show together. I imagined him next to me, us holding hands and stealing glimpses of one another and smiling. I am still full of as much love for him as I was when he was alive. The difference is that I have nowhere to direct that love, now. I fill up and then I deflate. I can’t describe the joy I felt whenever Chris was in sight, no matter what the distance. I don’t feel that for anybody but him and I’m afraid to feel it for somebody else because I’m afraid of being left behind, again.

Clay forgot to give me my bill last time I was there so he mailed it to my house with a little note explaining. When I saw the letter in my mailbox, I was instantly filled with anxiety. I thought he was leaving the psychology field. I thought he was moving away. I though he was quitting his job. For a few moments, I couldn’t bring myself to open the letter. I kept trying to figure out why, on earth, he would send me a piece of mail. When I opened it and realized it was the bill, I exhaled. Then I cried. I’ll have to discuss that with him and try to figure out ways to break down my certainty that I will be abandoned again and again.

I attended my step-sister’s wedding on Sunday and had the most wonderful time. She and her husband are so beautiful together. The love they feel for each other is evident. I felt filled with joy for them as they exchanged their vows. When I got home, I felt very lonely and the torrential downpour of rain coupled with the threatening sounds of furious winds blowing past my windows was of little comfort to me. I lay in bed wishing Chris was there to lend comfort with his presence. I imagined him into the bed next to me, imagined his arm draping over me as was once the case. The more I imagined, the happier I felt until the fairy tale bubble broke, popping me back into the reality of my situation. I missed him more at that moment than I have in a long time.

I was sad that he wasn’t there, mad that I was sad and even madder that I felt mad for being sad and so went the cycle until I quieted it with Advil PM and half an Ativan.

I’m good again, today. I just got discouraged about grief’s cameo role in my two-month progression toward peace.

I’m okay, again.

Oh…and I finally got my left hook at the gym, even though I practically had to beg the trainers to teach me. No more 1, 2 for me. Now I’ve got a 1, 2, 3, and dammit, I earned it.

Shneed.