Sunday, September 23, 2007

Old Faithful

I erupted this morning, into a hysterical, grieving mess. Grief is like an old friend whom you wish would just leave you the fuck alone. It’s like the school bully, lurking in the shadows, an ever-present threat reminding you that you can’t ever be certain of your own safety.

If I had just paid attention the past few days I would have noticed the return of my pattern-behavior. I had begun going out, keeping way too busy, overlapping plans and staying up way too late, all behaviors that point to an impending meltdown. I fill up every moment of every day in an effort to crowd my brain with minutia so larger, more profound disturbances can’t fit in. I should know by now that they always find their way in. That’s just the way it is.

Curiously enough, once I melted back up, I felt very positive about love and the possibility that I might be able to enjoy it again. Grief is not entirely unlike the boxing match I witnessed as I jumped rope at the gym the other night.

”In the left corner, wearing the black shorts, black tank top, black sneakers and black gloves....Grief!”

And in the right corner, skittishly peaking around the corner in her suit of armor, wearing blue gloves with two rolls of quarters in each fist...”

That’s about how it goes. Maybe it’s time that I start doing the attacking and Grief begins retreating.

I’m happy tonight. I feel better. More positive.

And hungry.


Saturday, September 22, 2007

Here we go, again.

I have begun to panic about this newest dating experience. I knew it would happen eventually, because how can I enter a new relationship without experiencing guilt, anger and sadness over Chris? I dropped half of an Ativan in the spirit of calming the fuck down. I’m going to stay with it...stay with him.

The problem is that I can’t decipher my own secret code. I can’t tell whether I’m panicked because I like him or panicked because I don’t want anybody but Chris in my life. If the latter is true, I could wind up living and dying alone.

Clay’s coming back this week, thank GAWD. I need his support.

I’m going through the motions, but I don’t feel anything more than the beginning of a new friendship. It feels forced. Hell, it is forced. That’s what happens with online dating. Maybe I’m pressuring myself unnecessarily. I don’t have to love him, yet. It’s way too early for love to have formed. If love doesn’t form for me, that’s okay, too. I need to relax, hence the Ativan.

This is difficult, but then, I always knew it would be. He puts his arm around me and all I think about is how Chris hated to walk with his arm around me. I used to take his arm and put it around me just to hear him say, “Hey, you can’t just put me.” When I’m out with him, I wish I was out with Chris. It’s possible that after almost three years, I’m still not ready to date. I don’t know how to get better. Maybe this is as good as I get. Maybe there is no “better”. Maybe there’s no romance and/or love intended in my future.

I hesitate to say that I’m a mess. I am, however, a bit panicked. What if he won’t put up with what losing my husband feels like for me?

Maybe I just need to sleep. Sometimes sleep is all it takes with me.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Roaming in Wyoming

Wyoming is the most wonderful place, ever. The air is so clean and the mountains are so unbelievably beautiful that I didn’t want to come home. I could have sat in one place, feeling the mountain breeze and gazing at the horizon all day long. Of course, I didn’t. I went horseback riding, river rafting and hiking. This trip was a wonderful segue back into the world of travel, introduced to me by Chris.

The trip wasn’t without sticky grief-points. The moment I entered the airport, I felt a surge of panic and sadness because the last time I entered the airport was with Chris. Robby is so much like him that I kept “flickering” back and forth from knowing I was with him to feeling like I was with Chris. I didn’t tell him.

I only cried one night because I just wanted him to be there so badly. I wanted him to see the mountains and have the fun I was having. I wanted the quiet conversation we shared and I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him.

I thought about the guy I'm dating quite a bit while he and I were both gone on trips. He went to Yosemite and I was in Wyoming. I haven’t thought about a man that much, in his absence, since Chris. It’s still too early to know whether this will work out, or not, and I’m nervous again, but I remember that I thought about him a lot while I was gone, and that hasn’t happened for a while. I’m seeing him tomorrow night.

I have a feeling this is going to be a romantic autumn.


Tuesday, September 11, 2007


Tomorrow, I’m leaving for my first real trip since Chris was alive. I’m going to Wyoming with a friend to hike, ride a horse, climb, run, and take in the beautiful mountainous landscape.

I never really traveled before I met Chris and so far, I haven’t really traveled since he died. I feel good. I’m very excited about this trip. There is also a part of me that feels guilty for going without him. Wherever I go, over the remainder of my life, I can take comfort in knowing (or believing) that where Chris went is so much better than anywhere on Earth.

Oddly enough, I’m very excited to have found out that there’s a gym at the inn in which I’m staying. It’s got a weight room, treadmills, sauna, steam room and whirl pool. I’m going to work out in one way or another every day. That excites me. I’m bringing my medicine ball with me, too. I think that officially makes me a fitness geek.

I’m reasonably happy these days, at times euphoric…at other times, downright sad, a moody bitch, perhaps, but a kind-hearted, loving one, no less.

Well, I’m off to Wyoming to visit another far-off land, an activity for which I had absolutely no passion before Chris entered my life.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Testing the Acceptance Waters

I dreamed I was back wth Chris, last night. He looked really good, although he was thinner than I remember him in life. I miss his dark, thick hair. I don’t remember too much about my dream, other than we hugged. I loved hugging him.

I have been a bit sad for the past couple of days. The guy I'm dating went away for 12 days, which, oddly enough, has sparked a small grief reaction in me. Clay went away for 3 weeks, too, which I suppose sparks off another small grief reaction.

Since he left, I made a deal with myself to allow myself to really think about Chris the entire time he’s gone. I need to. I want to. I keep remembering things that happened, things we said, times we shared, his smile, his hair, our interactions, our love...the list is endless.

I was talking with a friend last night about how strange grief is, in that there is always a belief buried way down deep in my psyche that loops the same tape over and over again...

He might come back. He could come back. I need to wait for that day

That will never happen, but the tape keeps on rolling. My guilt exists around that tape.

I’m a little heart-heavy, today. I’m giving myself a headache.

It’s coffee-time.


Sunday, September 2, 2007

My Date

I had a wonderful time last night. I really like this man. He really likes me, too.

More after I talk with Clay, tomorrow.