Monday, April 20, 2009


I have been thinking about Chris a lot, lately. I wish I could remember clearly, the kind of person he was. I wish I could remember how we were together, what my life was like with him in it. I love him. I miss him. I’m still disturbed by his exit from this life.

Guilt has been slowly infiltrating my mind and body since I began loving Jonathan. I tell myself it’s okay. It’s just guilt. It doesn’t have any power, other than the power to fuel my anxiety. It doesn’t stop me from loving Jonathan. I suppose its purpose is to keep the image of my beloved Chris’ face as crisp and clear as possible. I am scared half to death of his image fading from my memory. The thought steals my breath.

Jonathan and I had a wonderful time together in California. I loved being with him for more than just a few hours. I loved waking up next to him. I love his good-natured demeanor. I love how he loves me.

I had my moments in California. We visited a few of the places Chris and I had been to and a couple of times, my heart felt heavy. We drove through the neighborhood where Chris and I lived for two years, past the very street we lived on. Part of me wanted to drive up the street and see our old apartment, but somewhere inside of me, I knew the effort would be futile. I felt strange, sort of numb, knowing that driving up that street would not bring Chris back, nor would it bring me back to 2001, the year we first embarked upon our trip out west.

Since our trip, I have fallen more in love with Jonathan. We don’t see each other too much, because we’re both pretty busy people, but I cherish the time I spend with him. I’m beginning to feel that we are kindred spirits. I’m starting to want to be with him more.

I wish I wasn’t so terrified of losing Chris. I still choke on the thought. He’s somewhere. I have always felt that he is somewhere. Why do I feel that?