Of course the changing of the seasons is causing me to reflect on what happened to Chris. Trepidation of reflection and contemplation is the aftermath of my experience of Chris’ encounter with cancer.
Autumn has ever been my favorite season, full of new beginnings, the end of the 90-degree heat, and the start of my annual pride in my fashion choices. Added to that is a sense of melancholy, probably because Chris’ diagnosis occurred during the fall. I find that during the change in seasons, I just need a little more time in solitude to really remember all of the things that led up to Chris’ demise. I often surprise myself when I think about all of the dimensions of my memories in new light, and from new angles.
Chris’ diagnosis, his fear, my fear, my ignorance regarding the face of what I didn’t know at the time to be a diagnosis of terminal illness, are all topics that I still sift through the corridors of my mind. Hospitals, hospital gowns, helplessness, wishing to extents of which I had never wished before, profound sadness, and being thrown into autopilot as a form of denial, are all pieces of the vignette, the dance of grief caused by the cancer and death of Chris that claimed that span of my life.
After this past week of 80+ degree temperatures, I have decided to gift myself. Noticing the forecasted temperature for Friday (today) was 62 (well within my favorite range of temperatures), I looked at my calendar and, much to my chagrin, there was a meeting scheduled from 1:00-3:00. Still, I daydreamed about taking half a vacation day and kayaking on the Charles River, if only the meeting would get canceled. Then, lo and behold, the cancellation noticed arrived in my inbox and I jumped on the opportunity, scheduled my vacation time, and today I’m off at 1:00 to kayak from the Elliot Bridge to Kendall Square where I will then exit my boat and run 6 miles along the river back to my car. This afternoon has the makings of perfection, with just me, the water, the sun and my thoughts, and most importantly, renewed peace of mind.
Just thinking about it instills nirvana throughout my mind and soul.
Life was happy. Life was sad. And life is happy once again, and rich with reflection.