Thursday, March 22, 2012


My and Jonathan’s one-year wedding anniversary is coming up on March 27. It’s hard to believe we’ve already been married for one year. Chris and I didn’t make it to the one-year mark. This is all new territory for me. In a way, It’s a separation from the past and from how things had gone…up until now. Every new thing Jonathan and I share, that Chris and I hadn’t shared, allows me a large, refreshing step backwards, away from the Chris(Creej) and Robin(Shneed) chronicles of yester-decade. And of course every step backwards begins with the sound of my white-knuckled grip ripping away from the past’s hold on me.

Jonathan has been away on business this week. Every time he goes away it feels like he died because I’m used to my husband either being with me, or being dead. There has really been no in-between for me for a few years. But my sweet Jonathan is not dead. He’s very much alive and he’s here to stay, thankfully…hopefully.

Last night, I went out for dinner with a dear friend of mine. We enjoyed Thai food in Coolidge Corner, then went to a bar and had another drink to cap off an evening of hysterical laughter, affection and sweet friendship. This man was a friend of Chris’ and the two of us talked about how much we both loved him. I love that he remembers all of the same things I do about Chris and talking with him made me feel warm and happy for what I had, what we both had. We hugged, kissed and said good bye before he walked home to JP, and I got into my car and drove home.

Later on, after I crawled into bed, I whispered, “I miss you Jonathan,” and as I began drifting off to sleep, I whispered, “I miss you Creej.” I thought about how Chris never visits me anymore in my dreams, and in spirit, and I felt sad about that. Then I fell asleep.

I awoke in the middle of the night, rolled over and glanced at the digital clock on my nightstand and the time displayed 1:17. January 17 was my and Chris’ wedding anniversary. Was that a coincidence or a sweet visit -- the first one in a long time -- from my sweet Chris, reminding me that he’s here and watching over me?

I already know what I believe, and the warmth still permeates my soul.