Right before bed last night, I sat down in front of my collage of pictures of Chris and sobbed, embracing it as a not-even-close replacement of the person whose images it reflects. I didn't care.
One of the pictures is an almost-life-size close up of just Creej's face. I leaned in for a kiss and lingered, my lips touching his, just as they used to. I could feel the softness of them, the fullness (he had beautiful full lips) and for a second, I opened my eyes and saw his looking into mine, once again. It was such a wonderful fantasy.
I know my behavior seems crazy, but with my beautiful friends, family, and therapist on my side reminding me that absoutley anything I do or feel is normal and that these actions and emotions are the very shape of grief, I can continue to make my healthy trek through the abyss. I'm not alone.
I awoke, partially, in the middle of the night and he was asleep next to me. My recollection of the dream is vague, but I do remember the feeling of a long lost memory that rolling over was not an option because he was there. I fell back into slumber with that old familar feeling of security I once had.
I can still feel the effects from last night's dream. I feel warm, cared about and held.
Moments like that remind me that I am held. Chris' love lives on within me and is the reason that I'm able to forge ahead. He still loves me and that love, as in life, continues to provide me an endless supply of courage.
I love you so much, Creej.
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Hey...
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I just wrapped up my weekly journey into your life, your heart, your rhythm and your pain.
I particularly derived SOME comfort in knowing that The Ghost Whisperer was a comfort for you at this time. I also got literally pulled into bed with the two of you when you were recounting the whole fantasy of his "close up" picture. You were right. That one made me cry.
I just want your life to change for the better. I think that what has happened has produced nothing but injustice for too many who don't deserve such heaping helpings of what a love robbery can and HAS left behind. I see everything in you that Creej saw in you too. It's my prayer that you move forward with the confidence he (Creej) gives you in order that you may get to brighter, greener places. I know...words. Words don't do a fuckin' thing for ya. You probably see and hear lots of words from concerned others, but if I can give you MORE than JUST WORDS, then maybe JUST LOVE will help compensate JUST a little bit.
You mean so much to me and it hurts me every day to think of the pain you must be feeling and are trying so hard to break away from.
I just pray to God that he helps the most beautiful girl I've ever known in my world, in my lifetime to be a little bit braver and a little less afraid so that He can rescue you and bring you to the place(s) you need to be so you can find some peace out of all of this.
This was from T.D. Jakes' sermon this morning on B.E.T. (It struck a chord in me)
Just wanna share it (and it does not in any way say that Chris was anything less than beautiful. Rather it addresses the whole series of circumstances at hand, I think.):
He said,
"God would NOT HAVE carried you away if He didn't have
something up ahead that is
better than what you left behind."
I'm with you all the way. You know that.
I love you too.
Starrmann
For anyone who doesn't know, Starrman is my beloved brother who covers me in a constantly streaming avalanche of love, support, understanding and his own, extremely intellectual, analytical and philosophical perceptions. His love sustains me.
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