Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Key

July is almost over and even though I’m not sure what I will write about today, I feel the need to write for therapeutic purposes.

I saw my therapist today. We have only used hypnosis once, so far, and it helped quite a bit. I’m no fool. I don’t fancy hypnosis to be a magical reshaping of my mind. Instead, I see the treatment as a placebo that works simply because I believe it works.

A friend of mine was surprised to find out that I remembered everything that happened during the time I was “under.” I explained that a hypnotic state is one in which I retreat to completely and utterly willingly. I make a choice to go with and visualize exactly as the hypnotist (my therapist, in this case) instructs. I go places and entertain thoughts of my own accord, really. I want to go.

I liken hypnosis to systematic desensitization. Both treatments involve deep breathing (relaxing, for those, like me, who don’t typcially engage in the act) while visualizing and experiencing, in one’s own mind, issues, thoughts and situations that are otherwise frightening, anxitety-inducing or just plain ugly. Mixing those thoughts with relaxation, defuses their harmful effects and before long (hopefully) the hypnotee is able to either abolish such thoughts, ore lessen their mal-effects.

Today was not a hypnosis day, though. Today I talked about my own frightening, anxitety-inducing, just plain ugly issues, thoughts and situations. I never knew the meaning of the word “ugly” until I experienced the horror of cancer.

For now, I have all but come to a decision to begin a regime of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication while moving forward with hypnosis and talk-therapy. I want to be free.

Susan (therapist) and I have agreed that in my next hynotic state, I will try to place all of my sad memories into a box to which only I hold they key. I can close and put the box away, knowing that if I ever want or need to, I can pull the contents off the shelf and visit my past.

My goal is to not feel that need, at least not as often as I do now.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

In Response to DM's Comment

In repsonse to DM’s comment to my last post, I’d like to say that she is so right on every count. I have woven Chris into the very fabric of my being. I approach much of my life and respond to many situations using philosophies that were unknown to me before we met.

I suppose semantics could be at fault for the blurring of part of my writings. I repeatedly make reference to “letting go of my husband” and it wasn’t until I read DM’s comment that I realized what I really mean when I say that is “letting go of my sub-conscious, deep-seated and futile hopes that there’s a shred of a possibility of his physical return to me and to my life. Even though I know that sounds crazy, I’m talking about an overall emotion I have and not about any actual realistic hopes I have.

I believe that love never dies and I believe that when my time comes, I’ll be seeing Chris (in some form) again.

My grief has taken on a life of its own, which I know I have allowed to happen.

What I hope to do with hypnosis is allow myself to relax and admit (even though I know this, logically) that Chris is not going to return to my life and that things are never going to be the way they were. My subconscious belief to the contrary has become a very stubborn, harmful, life-sucking force, which I plan to erase very soon.

As always, DM, thank you very much for posting. I hope you had a wonderful holiday.