The Key

July is almost over and even though I’m not sure what I will write about today, I feel the need to write for therapeutic purposes.

I saw my therapist today. We have only used hypnosis once, so far, and it helped quite a bit. I’m no fool. I don’t fancy hypnosis to be a magical reshaping of my mind. Instead, I see the treatment as a placebo that works simply because I believe it works.

A friend of mine was surprised to find out that I remembered everything that happened during the time I was “under.” I explained that a hypnotic state is one in which I retreat to completely and utterly willingly. I make a choice to go with and visualize exactly as the hypnotist (my therapist, in this case) instructs. I go places and entertain thoughts of my own accord, really. I want to go.

I liken hypnosis to systematic desensitization. Both treatments involve deep breathing (relaxing, for those, like me, who don’t typcially engage in the act) while visualizing and experiencing, in one’s own mind, issues, thoughts and situations that are otherwise frightening, anxitety-inducing or just plain ugly. Mixing those thoughts with relaxation, defuses their harmful effects and before long (hopefully) the hypnotee is able to either abolish such thoughts, ore lessen their mal-effects.

Today was not a hypnosis day, though. Today I talked about my own frightening, anxitety-inducing, just plain ugly issues, thoughts and situations. I never knew the meaning of the word “ugly” until I experienced the horror of cancer.

For now, I have all but come to a decision to begin a regime of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication while moving forward with hypnosis and talk-therapy. I want to be free.

Susan (therapist) and I have agreed that in my next hynotic state, I will try to place all of my sad memories into a box to which only I hold they key. I can close and put the box away, knowing that if I ever want or need to, I can pull the contents off the shelf and visit my past.

My goal is to not feel that need, at least not as often as I do now.