Sunday, November 30, 2008

Not How. That.

My relationship with Jonathan continues to grow in many wonderful ways. I enjoy being in his arms and talking with him, holding him and just knowing he’s there.

Anxiety has not been absent from my mind and body, however, and I find myself needing to step back -- just a few paces -- now and again, in order to process my new love relationship. All in all, things are going very well. We have wonderful times together. I need to process, and I hope he doesn’t leave because I sometimes need to be with my own thoughts. I haven’t explained any of this to him, because there really is no need to open this door in his life. Grief is a part of my life, not his.

I spent the day with Bonnie, Beth and the girls today (Chris’ mom, sister and 10-year-old nieces, Emily and Hannah) and now I just need to be by myself. Jonathan said he understands, and I believe him, but I still feel a bit guilty about my choice. We’ll see each other next, Friday evening.

Meanwhile, I try to breathe in Jonathan and breathe out Chris, figuratively speaking. I’m no longer in love wth a dead man. I am now falling in love with a wonderful man who is very much alive. I want my life to consist of a partnership between Jonathan and me, and even though I have snagged my sock on a big old clump of grief-induced anxiety, I know I will overcome, and very soon. Two steps forward, one step back and so on.

After our trip to the Museum of Science, I took Bonnie, Beth and the girls to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Hannah began to cry. When we asked her what was wrong, she could barely choke out the words, “I’m going to miss Grammie.” She was exhausted, and she became upset that if she fell asleep, nobody would wake her up to say goodbye to Bonnie (Grammie). In my mind, I formlated an idea that perhaps she was expressing her sadness for losing Chris, Howard and Edna and possibly her fear of losing Bonnie. I told the story to Jonathan. Now, here in my room with my own thoughts -- one Ativan to the wind -- I realize that I was really trying to convey my own fear of loss to Jonathan. All this time I thought I was afraid of letting go of Chris, but now I see that I have already let go of my dear husband and that my real fear lies in letting go of myself, again.

I don’t quite know how I’m going to do that. I only know that I’m going to do it.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Happy Birthday, Creej.

Today is Chris’ birthday and I’m pretty certain that he wouldn’t want me to cry all day, so I’m going to have to somehow find a way to stop. I feel like throwing up. I wish I could throw up.

After Chris died, I had my and his wedding bands and my engagement ring soldered together, moved the diamond from my thin band to his thicker band, and added six sapphire chips to symbolize the six years we were together. I’m wearing my ring, today, as a gesture of remembrance. Today, Chris would have been 38 years old.

Lately I have been feeling like I want to wear my ring, again, now that I’m not dating. I took it off in a fit of rage, last Christmas Eve. I also took it off because I was dating and I didn’t want men to see it and think I was married. The ring is beautiful, though, and I would love to keep in on my right hand. I just need to find a tactful way to find out how Jonathan would feel. Maybe he wouldn’t mind at all. I may ask him.

Last night, we shared with each other that we’re in love. :) I have been dying to sign my e-mails, “Love, Robin” but I hadn’t been able to muster up the courage, for fear of scaring him away. I think he just may be unscarable.

I’m heading to Western Massachusetts, today, to spend Chris’ birthday with Bonnie, Beth and my girls (the twins). It’s the only place I want to be, today and they’re the only people I want to be with. For all the horrible events that have occurred, I managed to glean a beautiful, loving family who are so dear to my heart, that it hurts (in a good way).

Happy Birthday, Creej.
I love you.
I always will.

Love, Shneed

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A Quiet Calm

I have missed being held and hugged and wanted for so long, and now I am all of those things. Jonathan makes me very happy. I hope he stays. :)


Friday, November 7, 2008

Gentle Guidance

My favorite show, which I have been getting through Netflix, is, not surprisingly, Ghost Whisperer. The show is about a woman who can see and talk to the dead. Her quest to help cross earthborn spirits cross over into the light fuels my fantasy and hopes that people who have died exist around us, in spirit, helping us navigate through our lives.

Last night I fell apart a little, as I periodically do, after one of the episodes. The experience of crying is usually a cathartic one for me, helping me let go of the rain clouds that build up within my spirit. I began talking to Chris, asking him to help me let go and to help me continue to embrace forward movement.

He was in my dream, last night. As usual, he was wearing his brown courdoroy jacket and thick black glasses. The dream had no dialogue – just Chris’ image standing before me. I felt enchanted.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was, “I want Jonathan.” :)

Progress, at last.