I was very bored at work today and found myself looking at Los Angeles apartments. I feel an inclination to claim that I don’t know why I did it but I’m very in tune with myself and I know damn well that I was going back in time, exploring that part of our relationship together; the last time I can really remember everything being okay.
I just looked at a few. Y’know, that L.A. sky still brings back all of the misery I felt while we were living there? That’s all it takes. Just looking at a picture of the sky, those hateful palm trees, the charmless architecture and remembering how evident the division of the poor and the rich there; the beautiful and the not beautiful. Chris hated it there, too, though he tried to fight it.
The truth is that we were both ready to come home four months after we got there, but Creej felt this obligation to stay there. At first, we were both going to feel funny leaving so soon after we got there. Then Chris felt that he needed to give L.A. a fair try, even though he hated everything about it (except the weather). Then he confided that he wanted to stay simply because the thought of packing up all of our stuff was unbearable to him. I never understood that. He was so angry there. He was working fourteen-hour days and coming home so angry and uptight that many nights he would just go straight to bed. When he didn’t go straight to bed, he would spark up a joint and get stoned every single night. He said it was just until we moved home and could be happy again.
Then we moved home. Then he got cancer.
So, though we were totally happy within our relationship with one another, neither of us was really ever happy again since the day we moved to Los Angeles. Does that make me angry? You bet. We got gypped. First us, then him and now me.
I just left my desk to run into the bathroom and have an all out crying hate-fest toward Chris. The anger just exploded within me and I could think of nothing but how much I hate him.
And now I love him, again.
Just like that, the anger came, I expressed it, pushed through it and now I’m on my way to drop my rings off at the jewelers we bought them from to be transformed into a tribute ring. I’m fusing my engagement ring, wedding band and his wedding band together and adding 3 sapphires to each side of the diamond to symbolize the six beautiful years we shared together.
I love you, Creej. Now and always (except when I’m expressing anger toward you)
Shneed
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Yeah, I agree. Skim works in mysterious ways and I think of him often. It is amazing to be able to have some of his instruments, thanks so much for that Shneed.
ReplyDeleteAt first it was really hard to open the cases. I'd see the bass amp in the living room and think, "Oh cool Chris is here". Of course, a second later the loss would hit me.
Later I was reluctant to change the strings or adjust the straps thinking "Chris will need to use this later". Again the loss hits.
Slowly though I have begun to play them and make them my own and oddly Chris has ended up still influencing my music.
For example, I'm not sure I would have seen myself playing Stones covers or Beatles tunes, that's pretty far out of my usual coffeehouse repertoire. But, when those tunes were suggested at band practice, instead of scoffing- I thought, "Chris would love this" and gave them a chance. Who knew that it could be so fun dabbling in rock-n-roll?
I think I may even try a few Velvet Underground and or Beatles tunes, but I will still have to draw the line at Kiss.