Firsts

There are things we do in our lives that are so second nature and that have become so routine that we barely know we're doing them. There were many of those things in my own life. When Chris died, the day of his death became a measure of time for me. I knew people talked about all of the "firsts" you have to go through following a loved one's death, I just didn't know how miniscule some of those firsts would be...or that there would be so many.

Of course there are all of the holidays, anniversaries and such, but even so I didn't realize that the anniversary of his death would occur every first of every month.

There was the first time I solved a problem without him, the first time I sang with him gone, my first train ride, my first return to my apartment, the first time I cooked again, which by the way, I wasn't able to do until two months later. The first Law and Order episode, the first spring, summer, winter, fall, and the list just goes on and on.

I'm sitting in Pizzaria Uno in Copley Square waiting for Meira. i didn't expect to feel panic walking down Boylston Street, but then I didn't expect to realize that this was the first time I stayed in Boston for dinner without Chris. I remembered one particular day when I told him I was walking home from Boston. He wanted the exercise so he decided to walk with me, except that ten mintues into our walk on that hot summer day, I developed and unyielding craving for a tall, cold beer. We stopped into the Pour House on Boylston Street and sipped together, talked together, laughed together and I looked at him. I always looked at him and when he became uncomfortable and said, "What are you doing, Shneed?" in that shy, embarrassed, you-better-cut-it-out manner that I found so endearing, I would simply reply, "I'm enjoying you." It was true. I have felt nothing stronger in my life than the passion I felt every time I layed eyes on him. It was an all encompassing and overwhelming euphoria that began in my heart and took me over in a tidal wave of emotion.

My husband was that awesome. He was my first love.

I ask myself how I can be sad when I have that much love in my heart; that much love in my life. I believe the old saying rings true; that it is, indeed, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

My husband was that awesome.