Sad...

...is what I have been feeling for the past two weeks. I have not been able to stop myself from crying every night when I get home. Sometimes the tears come with such force that I can barely make it to my front door before the dam bursts and other times I feel a heaviness in my soul that gives way to tears. I think that spending the day at Bonnie's has something to do with it, along with knowing that, come July 1st, six months will have gone by. Someday, twenty years will have gone by. I'm just sad.

Still, I went to a play and then to the open mike tonight and sang a few songs. It was fun, but it was one of those Cinderella nights where I suddenly had to run, before my sadness reared it's head. I just knew I had to get the hell out of Dodge.

I saw Rosalind, my therapist, today after five weeks of our schedules not syncing up. It was good. Suddenly, I need her again. I admitted that I feel as though I am in danger of griveing pathologically, as of late. I must not do that. I must not give into the silly notion that if I'm sad, I will be honoring Chris. It just is not true. He's dead. His physical self is gone from my life. The real way to honor him, anyway, is to be happy and live my life to its fullest. I know he would agree with that. Sometiems the line gets blurred.

I took a Lorezapam. I have to be careful. I am afraid of becoming addicted. I'm good, though, and so far in this lifetime I have not exhibited any signs of an addictive personality. I just didn't fucking feel like being sad. I know I need to try to stop myself form crying at night. It has gotten to the point where I cry because of some sort of bizarre muscle memory that tells me it's 10:00PM and so it's time to cry just because that's what I have been doing for the past two weeks. It's very important for me to begin to fight those urges...or at least make a concerted effort to remember to decide when and when not to cry. Grief is both tricky and deceitful.

I miss Chris so much. I liken myself to a halved canteloupe from which someone has spooned out the seeds, except that my seeds are my guts, heart and soul. Not always. Just when I'm feeling sad, like tonight...or this morning, as it were.

I finally got back to the gym this morning. It was blissful. My muscles are killing me, but I like it. It's like seeing an old friend. Tomorrow, maybe I'll run.

Good night.

Side Note: Everytime I see a star in the sky, I say, "Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight." and I always wish for eternal happiness for Chris' soul. And I always mean it.

Sadly, Tiredly,
Shneed