Theater Benchmarks

I have been feeling choked up lately.

I keep thinking about Chris and how he is really gone. Somehow it doesn't penetrate my brain entirely. I can't reconcile my life and his absense from it. I usually feel as though I'm going to see him again, and then I realize that his body was cremated. It's strange that it would take that realization to bounce me back into reality. It's like as long as I know his body is no longer there, I know he won't be coming through the door again.

I auditioned for a production of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street this evening. It was my second audition since Chris died. The first was The Secret Garden. I can't help making comparisons between the two experiences. At the first one, I was still in a strange grief-fog, not really there, not really aware of what I was doing. I did it just to get myself out of the house. I didn't feel nervous. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't. I got cast and did the show, but I don't really remember a lot of the rehearsals. I was still in shock, I think. I was much more present for the second one. I was slightly nervous, which is a good way to be. I felt bad being there. I wanted to be home with Chris...who's not home at all anymore.

Sometimes I can get so confused. He's gone. I was once married and now I'm not anymore. I'm extremely angry about that.

I guess I'm going to bed extremely angry tonight because I can't even think anymore.

:(