Tonight is the second night that I did not cry in about three weeks. After the six-month mark, I couldn't seem to stop crying at night. Yesterday I got mad, though, and whenever that happens in my life, it is usually followed up with change.
I made a conscious decision to stop crying every night. It became annoying and I began to dread going home. And it is a choice; a tough one, but a choice, no less. Enough is enough. How long can a person go on choosing to be miserable? I understand grief. There is a period of time in which you are not in control of your emotions or your actions. There is a period of time in which you are not aware that you have choices and there is even a period of time in which you are absolutely unequivocally unwilling to stop crying. I understand all of it. But last night I chose to stop. Once I made it through one night of not crying, the second night was easier.
I almost cried tonight, but I have a responsibility to myself to keep moving forward. I like to be busy. Going back to school as quickly as I did was the best thing for me. Being in a play as soon as I was ended up being extremely therapeutical and another good choice. For me. Maybe not for everyone. But for me, they were both incredibly helpful choices.
Sometimes I get so busy that I accidentally isolate myself from my friends. Those are the times when my anxiety and sadness creep up and ambush me. I never see it coming and before I know it, I have been crying for days on end.
I have so much strength inside of me. I am not going to grieve for the rest of my life. I'm not doing it. I will always love, cherish and miss my sweet, sweet Chris and I will always view what happened to us as an absolute injustice. What else could it be?
The train is back on the tracks and once again, I'm traveling full Shneed ahead.
Tonight, as every night, I pray to God for eternal happiness for Chris' soul.
Love, Shneed
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