Breaking Down Barriers

Last night I got to thinking about some of the things I couldn’t do back in January and thought I could never do again. I’m doing some of them these days.

I walked home with Meira last night. We walk together now, since she moved closer to my apartment, even though I’m moving away from her apartment in a couple weeks. I think I will continue to walk to Somerville sometimes and then get on the train and go home. I digress.

On the way home, we stopped to eat Asian food in what was my and Chris’ favorite little romantic place. The last time we were there was on Valentines Day 2004. Before last night, I hadn’t been there since.

From January through April or May, I wasn’t able to even look at the place without feeling my heart collapse in my chest. Then I thought I could go, but I would have to accept that I would feel guilty every time I ate there. Last night, the waitress sat us at the same table Chris and I occupied in 2004. I wasn’t sad. I felt warm and full of sweet memories. It was nice to be in a familiar place.

This morning, in the shower, I thought about Ellis Paul. (Not THAT way.) I thought about the song; the one that caused my heart to break for two years; the one that I associate with the entire ordeal from diagnosis to death. I read it at Chris’ memorial service but I don’t want to try to recall the lyrics right now. I began singing it in the shower this morning and then began thinking that someday I might find myself at another of his shows. Not yet, though, but eventually. My chest has become tight just thinking about it and the butterflies are back. Ellis is a very touchy subject for me, but now that I have broken a barrier or two, I suppose I can open my mind to the possibility of breaking this one, too.

On January first, I couldn’t even walk out of my apartment. The thought terrified me. I think it was the next day that Meb went for a walk with me, I’m not sure, though, it could have been the same day. Time ceased to exist for me for a while. Anyway…the view down my street is etched in my memory forever; the coldness of the air, the grayness of the sky and of dirty snow, the wind blowing the tree branches…Pearson Road in general. I cannot be there this January. I have never been more certain of anything in my life. I need to be away from that entire area for a while. Maybe forever.