Badditude Adjustment and Last Night

My poor boss had the misfortune of being thrust into the role of my attitudinal punching bag today. My tongue was sharp, my patience worn to a nub and my ability to control my disposition nonexistent. Just as if I had wailed on a bag, though, all that happened was that I hurt my own fist.

My other boss was lucky enough to have to witness me complain for the past two days about insignificant trivial matters, the poor guy.

Both of these pictures of myself that I paint are entirely uncharacteristic of me. I can honestly say that I am pleasant, approachable and helpful nearly 97% of the time. I pride myself on those qualities. My job is to help my bosses and make their days run as smoothly as possible and I am quite good at it.

The worst part of my loss of control over myself is that I was aware it was happening and frustrated that it was happening, yet I was not able to stop being negative. Negativity is a quality that most people, and I’m going to place myself on the top of that list, find to be annoying as hell.

Lately I have been realizing, or imagining, that the people in my daily life must think that I either am, or should be over it by now. I have no basis for this assumption, other than my own worry. I can’t have everyone that I see for eight hours a day, five days a week thinking that I’m fine. That thought just makes me feel as though I have to begin pretending and covering up and supressing...and being ashamed of myself. I won’t be ashamed of myself. What I’m going through and what I have been through are going to take as much time as they take to heal.

I felt awful that I was being defensive and argumentative toward my boss. He was wonderful to me when it all fell apart. He called me at home. Not too many people would have the courage to do that. That phone call comforted me. He’s a good man and I couldn’t continue to be difficult today.

I approached both of them independently and apologized for my attitude, letting them know that my recent move has brought up some issues for me and it’s causing me some anger, which is what has been causing me to display negative behavior. They both understood.

I now know that I killed my badditude by simply being honest. Honesty is the best policy.

I keep forgetting that I don’t give people enough credit for being understanding and compassionate creatures.

Once again, the truth set me free.

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Last night was really bad. When I moved in here ten days ago, the first thing I did was unpack my stuff for the kitchen, dining, living room area and set it all up. It really looks perfect as far as I’m concerned. I am in love with this apartment.

Then I stopped. I still have not set up the entire bedroom or the office. Boxes still litter these two rooms. I thought I just wasn’t in the mood to do it at first, but it later became apparent to me that I had become frozen. I had hit a mental wall of sorts. I was unable to unpack anything else. I thought about finishing the job numerous times but every time, I felt an instinctive, deep-seated reluctance to begin. I became aware that the thought of doing anything more, just created panic within me: My heart beat faster.; I felt tired.: I cried inconsolably.

Last night I made a decision to get up, go into the bedroom and begin emptying boxes. I thought it would go smoothly, but instead, I took six of Chris’ Red Sox hats out of a box and proceeded to lose my mind. I held them like I held my teddy bear when I was a small girl and the tears began. I held onto them like I would hold onto him if I had the power to heal, sunk to the floor and purged every last tear from my body. The purging brought me from my feet, to my floor, to the box of tissues in the living room, to my bed and back to my floor where I remained for the ensuing hour and a half until I was too tired and until my eyes were too swollen to see.

I weathered this one without Ativan. It was okay. It hurt, but at least I could feel again when it was over.

That’s the stuff I don’t ever want to have to hide from people. That still happens. I’m not ashamed. I’m just trying to push forward a little bit every single day.