Stopping Time

I don’t really know what to do with myself now that Chris isn’t around anymore. I find that I have trouble just sitting and being quiet. I think of things to do and I do them one right after the other until I reach sheer exhaustion.

I have a continous feeling of anxiety in my chest that threatens to send me into tears and that’s exactly what usually happens if I don’t bustle around keeping busy.

I remember an old Porky Pig episode based on the story of the red shoes. In it, Porky puts on some red shoes that he finds and cannot stop dancing and cannot remove the shoes. When I was a little girl, that cartoon used to cause me an enormous amout of anxiety. As silly as it sounds, I remember how overwhelmed I felt over Porky’s helplessness under the complete control of those shoes. I feel a little like him these days, like something big and mean took over my life and I’ll never be free. That’s an overwhelming, anxiety-inducing thought and it’s how I feel every time I’m alone.

If I think too much for too long about what life was like when I was coming home to Chris every night, I can become very angry with feelings that I can’t really channel. I’m not sure how to handle that. I suppose I could mention it to my social worker. I get tired of mentioning things to social workers, though. For the first time in my life, I’m not convinced that they’re helpful and I’m not sure I feel like wasting the co-pay each week when I could be dining out with friends, instead.

Time. I’m told it will ease my pain. I’m told it will make my grief easier to deal with. I’m really getting tired of anxiety and I’m really getting tired of the terror I feel as time goes by. I don’t want time to go by, but I can’t stop it.

I want to stop time.