Dreams of a Toast

Something about everything is making me cry this evening. There was something in the cool, crisp autumn air.

There’s something in the way my sheet music is strewn about on my bed from this morning’s dash to get out out the house on time. Sheet music strewn about just about anywhere is who I am to my core. Seeing my tossled music from this particular perspective, at eye level as I lay on my side on the bed hugging one of my red, crushed velvet pillows and feeling the cool air of fall and the change in lighting as a new season prevails over an old one...somehow I feel like a little girl again, missing her best friend.

Chris knew my sheet music messes. He knew that singing was very important to me, a fact he reminded me of often when my balance would tip and I would lose my purpose.

Today was quite a fulfiling day. I had an important audition for the university symphony orchestra, which went very well. I went into work late in order to audition. My vocal coach, of whom I am very fond, came to accompany me on piano. The conductor was and is very sweet and told me he very much enjoyed my performance and offered to have me come sing in some children’s concerts next fall. The slots for this year are filled, but he also writes musicals and gave me a quite unexpected impromtu audition for a part in his musical this morning after my orchestra audition. It was all very exciting. I read for him, using my best Irish accent (which leaves something to be desired) and he had already heard me sing so after my reading, he told me that he may want me to go to Harvard Square tomorrow night to sing for his collaborator. How exciting it all is.

The cool, crisp autumn air is wreaking enough havoc in my heart tonight. I don’t know how I can ever survive more of the same in Harvard Square, one of the most romantic places I know. It will surely do me in. It's okay, though. I'm ready for it.

Today's audition was very special because I created the opportunity myself. There was no audition until I e-mailed the conductor and asked if he ever thought about having a singer front the orchestra. He said he had not, and invited me to come sing for him. And now I’m (hopefully) going to be in his musical, an original musical, something I have been dying to do forever. I can create the role in an original musical. The songs are yet unknown. How exciting is that?

Tonight, I want to be telling all of this to Chris. I want to share my day with him and my pride and my faith in myself, my victory, my appreciation for him and my love.

I’m very proud of myself, but I really liked when Chris was here to be proud of me, too.

Tonight, if Chris was alive, I would have invited him out for a beer to toast to a hair-brained scheme which ended up going quite well. I would have toasted to him, to us and to love.

And Creej would have called me a little faggot.

Tee-hee.

I miss him more than I can stand it, tonight.

Praying for eternal happiness for Creej’s soul is the most I can do for him now, and I do it every single day.

Love Eternally,

Your wife,
Shneed