A Meeting of the Minds

What I wouldn’t give for what seems like the whole world to stop worrying about me. It’s not that I don’t love and appreciate the thoughtfulness of the caring people around me, it’s just that sometimes, the care and compassion of others can hinder my progress.

I have been feeling, lately, as though I might want to give going on a date a try. It’s just a date. I mean, at this stage of the game, it wouldn’t be anything more than a morning or afternoon cup o’ joe. I enjoy meeting new people so I’m not too nervous, plus there is nothing at stake here. Whatever used to frighten me about men simply doesn’t anymore.

Now that I have experienced the best (my husband), there is no question in my mind as to what I will and won’t tolerate. Of course that line is somewhat liquid. When two people find enough in common with one another, battles must be carefully chosen and power in certain areas willingly relinquished for the greater good

Now that I have experienced the worst (losing my sweet best friend and husband), there is nothing that will ever hurt me that much again, so any encounter will basically be a safe one. Rejection (or anything else, for that matter) can hardly hurt me now after having experienced complete acceptance and love and losing them both to death.

There’s a man I have been corresponding with via e-mail for some time. He seems very much like me. We have a lot in common from enjoying theater, to enjoying philosophizing to running, to writing and music and more than that. I have yet to speak with this man vocally. We have only spoken in the written word. While writing letters is quite enticing and fun, the reality to face is that some people are great writers and not-so-great communicators. I suppose our vocal compatibility remains to be seen…or heard, in this case.

Am I afraid of hurting Chris’ family by having my curiosity peaked as early as nine months on the grief-timeline? I Absolutely am. I know it could hurt them. It probably will hurt them. It even hurts me to some extent. There’s a part of me that never wants to move on in this area because Chris was my husband and I never wanted to separate from or be disloyal to him. As far as I was concerned I was going to remain with him until his 80th and my 84th birthday. My dating days were safely locked away in my past. I never liked dating, anyway. It’s troublesome. Establishing trust is really my favorite part of a relationship and then the comfort zone.

Passion is nice, but it could never replace trust and friendship for me. For me, passion comes later. It just makes sense to me that way. I know people meet and have sex on first dates. I know people simply have casual sex. I know. It’s okay if it’s okay for them. For me, though, I can barely fake that I’m enjoying a kiss from someone I don’t even know yet, never mind disrobing for them. It’s a slow and steady process for me. Chris was exactly the same way. As a result, we became best friends and soul mates. The added extras came later.

So, what to do? I’m finding my mind wandering to this cyber-friend of mine. We have begun sharing our lives a bit. It may soon be time for a phone call to put communication to the test. I have a feeling it’s going to be nice. With his undergrad in psychology his current pursuit his masters degree in the same, he seems smart, communicative, creative, sweet and fun. Not a bad 12th, or so, impression.

Shneed