Choices, Smart and Otherwise

The term “working out” is so completely appropriate for what it does to alleviate and, in many cases, obliterate my grief. When I am lifting weights and running, I am working out most of my troubles, these days. Working out prompts me to breathe properly, feeling my diaphragm rise and fall, which has an incredibly meditative effect throughout my mind and body. I began my Sunday morning at the gym today, whcih turned out to be a very smart, constructive choice, unlike the choice I made last night.

Last night, I left the open mike and proceeded to drive down Mass Ave. in Cambridge at 45 miles per hour. I was angry, to say the least. The restaurant closed early, without warning, and I didn’t have enough time to wind down and get ready to think about returning to my empty, darkened home and my empty bed. I panicked and drove away much too fast, an act of which I am ashamed. How adolescent it was for me to act out my anger in such a destructive way. I could have hurt someone. I could have hurt myself. I will not be doing that again.

On the way home, I detoured and drove down the street I lived on with Chris. I parked across the street from our old apartment and fell apart, looking at the lights in the windows. There used to be lights in those windows for me. There used to be light in that apartment for me. I wanted so badly to be able to fall over onto my front seat and fall asleep there, pining for my sweet Chris, screaming inside for him to come home to me. I was a woman on the edge of insanity last night. One light breeze would have blown me right off that edge. Luckily, my windows were closed.

I had accumulated too much anger and panic just being away from home for four days. In effect, I had too much down time which means too much time to think. Thinking does not serve me well, these days.

However, I am happy to report that because I spent my day exercising, having coffee with a good friend, singing and cooking, I have turned the effects of this past holiday weekend around in quite a productive way. I have been in a wonderful mood since this morning, which was my standard mood five weeks ago before I began anticipating the holiday weekend and Chris’ birthday.

There is just one more month of firsts for me to get through. Of course, once this year is over, I will still be dealing with my issues, my guilt, my sadness, my trauma and a host of additional problems in the aftermath of my husband’s sickness and death. I’ll be okay, though. In many ways, I feel as though January 1st 2006 will be graduation day for me. I know the day is going to be horrid and I plan to spend it in the company of anyone who will have me, which is anyone I ask. My support system continues to be strong. I’m very lucky for that.

Tonight, though, I am uplifted, light, airy and hopeful. I will rest easy this evening. I need to rest easy.

Exhaling,

Shneed