Fallen...a little

I feel alone tonight. In fact, all that I feel tonight is Chris’ absence. Nothing is really helping. I tried singing and it was okay for a while, but then every lyric made me sad. I had a tentative plan to attend an open mike with a friend of mine, but neither of us felt like going.

I’m watching a docudrama on television about a man, woman and their baby who have become stranded in a blizzard and are becoming covered in frostbite. Her husband left her and the baby and has been walking through feet of snow for six days without food or water to try to find help. Chris and I watched this one together once. I can’t even remember how long ago.

I’m not sure what to do to feel better. I’m kind of lost. I have been disjointed for days. I don’t really feel like myself. I'm extremely disorganized, unable to concentrate and self conscious. I don’t want to take Ativan. Sleep feels like the only solution but I don’t want to go. I think I want to cry. I think I need to.

I had a rough week. I feel like I want to tell people how I’m feeling but I’m embarrassed. Nobody is going to understand that I’m still messed up. I mean, I’m messed up, but I’m also okay. My friend, Brian, asked me how I am today and I replied, “Awesome, sad, excited, happy and distraught. Thanks for asking.” He’s awesome. He believed me and was okay with it and was okay with me being so truthful. That’s all it takes to be my friend. Acceptance and non judgement. That’s it.

I am so aware lately that I can’t have my Chris and so aware that the only way to feel better about that is to try to start a new relationship/friendship. All I have to do is say the word and my e-mail corresponder will meet me for coffee. I like him. I’m scared, though. And so, so guilty. He’s right there, but I can’t do it. I’m afraid of telling him what happened. We have been writing for six months and I never told him that I was married and that my husband died. He has no idea. See? People on e-mail really are deceitful. Everything you have heard is true.

Also, my anger is inching closer and closer to the surface. It’s messing with my head. I feel as though I’m back in the fog.

What I really want to do is punch, punch, punch until I’m exhausted. I’m so mad that all of this happened! I’m mad that Chris had to hurt and that I’m hurting and that he’s dead. I’m angry that some of my friends have no idea how bad I feel when I’m alone.

Right now, all if want is to sink into someone’s, anyone’s, arms and collapse and wail. I’m just tied from having hit a snag in my forward movement.

This feels like a cruel childhood game of keep away when bullies would take my hat off my head and throw it back and forth so I coulnd’t get it back. There always came a time where I would become exhausted and just want my hat back and eventually I would get it. But I’m not getting Chris back.

I guess I have taken a detour. My self esteem is down for the moment. I need a hug. I need my Mum. Chris 35th birthday is in just 19 days, the day before Thanksgiving. I’m spending it with his famly. We’re going to have a cake for him and from now on, on his birthdy, we’re going to celebrate by buying gifts for his 7 year old twin nieces. That way we can focus on celbrating his life and also help the girls to remember who he was.

Then I will leave there and go visit my Mum in Keene. I need her.