We Will Meet Each Other after the Show

Last night was exceptionally tough for me. Actually, the entire day was really rough. I stayed home the entire day, except for a short stint spent at Target shopping for household cleaners and such. I’m considering staying home all day, today, too.

For the past year, I have been running, running, running in a half-conscious attempt to run away from my own thoughts. The thought of spending two days with just myself has filled me with terror since last January. I have often dreaded my first head-cold when I have to call in sick to work and play hostage to my symptoms. I spent my last head-cold packing up Chris’ clothes and considering my bottle of Ativan as a delicous afternoon snack. Bad times.

I dreamed about Chris last night. Right before bed and after using almost an entire box of tissues on my steady flow of tears, I begged him to come into my dreams and just like a Christmas gift (although Chris would not appreciate the analogy) there he was.

We were going to a play together at a theater which held the same status as Boston’s own Huntington Theater. (In life, Chris and I liked to go there, using our free tickets that StageSource gave out regularly.)

When we got there, we split up because he had some technical things to take care of backstage. I found a seat right up front, center stage but realized that because the stage was so high, I was going to have trouble seeing the actors. I decided to move to the balcony, center stage. When I got there, it occurred to me that Chris didn’t know where I was and I didn’t know how he was going to find me. Suddenly, I relaxed, knowing that he would find me. He always did. Then it occurred to me that it didn’t really matter whether he found me or not, we could both enjoy the play and talk about it later. I stopped worrying and blanketed myself in the trust that we would meet each other after the show.

At one point, I had left the balcony and I was sitting at floor level, falling asleep in my chair. My vocal coach (whom I am extremeley fond of in life) showed up crouching down next to me. I felt instant warmth and smiled at him. I’m not sure whether we exchanged words or not but his being there comforted me.

Eventually I went back up to the balcony and there was my Creej, talking with a group of techie-friends, wearing dark pants, a tee-shirt, his brown courdorouy jacket, glasses and a baseball hat, just as in life. He was a sight to behold, so adorable that my heart inflated to triple its normal size and I was filled with euphoria which brought tears to my eyes.

That’s the way Creej usually made me feel. It was nice to dream about that feeling again.

Yesterday, I cleaned my entire apartment from top to bottom, which has already alleviated some of the chaos, confusion and stress in my life. Today, I’m going to continue to memorize my monologue for next week’s lesson, and begin and possibly complete my online GoLive class, which has been another source of great stress for me. I may or may not make it to the gym, but it doesn’t matter at all. Methodically checking off my list these past two, very emotional, very productive days has really helped to clear my mind, my plate and put me back on the road to being okay for a while, although I know that road is a winding, twisting one.