Freaked Back In

This weekend, I had a voice lesson, dined out with a friend, sung at two open mikes, had coffee with a friend and attended a dinner party, and there is still one entire day left. I can’t remember when I had the energy to engage in this much social activity.

I began taking Zoloft this past week, after a long, long struggle trying to deny that I wasn’t strong enough to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I just cannot do this alone right now. The pills have already begun to work their magic.

Worried, I asked Clay what happens next. When I go off of the drug, will everything come flooding back, thrusting me right back into a state of grief? He reassured me that I will have an entire year to process what has happened and strengthen my ability to cope, put some time between life then and life now and after a year has passed, I will be feeling much better and I’ll be able to go off of the medicine and maintain my ability to cope. I hope he’s right.

Zoloft has done two great things for me. It has given me the ability to think of something other than Chris without feeling guilt, and when I do think of Chris, I can now get by without crying in anguish. I need this right now. Taking Zoloft is like getting on a bike for the first time, training wheels attached, and doing my best to pedal forward. Eventually, I’ll be able to live my life without my bottle of training wheels. I have faith that the day will come.

I do need to lower my own dosage for the moment. Today I was in a spaced out state of way-too-much-drugs which left me feeling nauseous in addition to feeling happy. I guess it is safe to say I was feeling happy and crappy, which is much, much better than daydreaming about bringing about my own demise and feeling crappy. For now, if I must ingest a pill each morning, or a portion of a pill as it were, in order to maintain some semblance of sanity, then that is what I will do. I have nothing to prove. Just a life to live.

Drugs are not the best solution to every problem, but I have to say that I am very glad for the peace, however artificial, that Zoloft has brought me these past few days. I am actually able to concentrate again and I can get through my days without freaking out. I have officially, with the help of pharmaceuticals, freaked back in.