The Great Illusion

Discipline has been elusive this past week, which explains my scarcity of bloggings.

All week, I have carried with me a sense of dread, a cold anxiety which has frozen my creativity and ability to express myself in it’s tracks. Loosely draped atop my anxiety has resided a manufactured lightheartedness whose purpose has served to hide my depression from others and to deny it to myself.

I am scared of what I feel.

There is a phenomenon in psychology called transference, which I have been experiencing during my sessions with my therapist. When transference occurs a whole series of psychological experiences are revived, not as belonging to the past, but as applying to the person or the physician at the present moment. In short, I have discovered that although I thought I had developed an infatuation with my therapist, it is very likely that the truth is that I have superimposed qualities of Chris over what few qualities I have seen in my therapist and therefore, I have developed a false sense of attraction, trust and love for him.

Transference is a common occurrence in the therapeutical realm. Chris was the man with whom I shared every mundane detail of my life. He loved me. He accepted everything about me, even those things he did not necessarily understand or like. Clay is now the man with whom I share every mundane detail of my life. He accepts me. Accepting me is Clay’s job. Before I read about transference and before I developed an understanding for it’s power, I became confused about my feelings and about how I could feel such a strong attraction to somebody about whom I know almost nothing.

I have fantasized about being with Clay. I was really fantasizing about being with my husband, whose company I miss more than I can express in words.

He is a cutie, but what I feel is not love for him. What I feel is love for Chris. Chris was quiet, sweet, funny, smart and easy-going with me. Clay is quiet, sweet, funny, smart and easy-going with me.

I deliberately chose to see a male therapist. I told everybody I was doing it to get a male’s point of view of my situation. I lied. I was doing it to get male attention and I get fifty glorious minutes of male attention every single week.

I plan to talk this through with Clay in my next session. the topic is big and it is one I need to get up and over so that I don’t begin a pattern of transferring my love for Chris onto every man I meet.

Pensively,
Shneed