The Way It Is

Yesterday I was feeling quite blue about my entire situation. After my breakdown of yesterday morning, I went to work and had a pretty good day. When I got home last night, I experienced another meltdown which lasted for about an hour.

I cried and thrashed about, as per my usual course in the throws of falling apart. I thought about all that I had when I had Chris in my life. I had stability (I thought), love, companionship, a live-in best friend, constant chit-chat, sensuality, sexuality and best of all, I had a good, solid partnership. Sometimes I cannot imagine how I’m going to get all of that back in my life. It is really hard when I cannot even imagine how I can ever allow a man, other than Chris, into my life. Sometimes my life seems and feels hopeless.

I feel better, today, though. I’m not sure why, although my guess is that grief just goes this way. Grief is up, down, sideways, bumpy, smooth and catastrophic among a host of other things. It is not uncommon for me to feel utterly destroyed one moment and perfectly fine and willing to face my future, the next.

Today is going to be a long day for me. I will work until 5:00 and then come home, eat very quickly and head out to rehearsal until about 10:30. When my schedule fills up this way, I become nervous that I don’t have the time I need to sit and think about Chris and process my grief. Before this week is out, I expect to have at least three more meltdowns.

That’s just the way it is.

Shneed