Sopranos Solo

Sometimes, running loosens up my psyche and when I’m finished feeling the endorphin rush that follows, I begin to cry. Exercising has a way with unlocking emotion and allowing sadness to come flowing out of my body.

Tonight, I began cooking when I suddenly felt a surge of panic threatening to take me over. I started to suppress my thoughts and feelings but instead I gave up and willingly fell into an incolsolable sadness. I cried for an hour, stopping only to periodically laugh at The Simpons. I ate almost none of my dinner, pushing it down the garbage disposal and grinding it into oblivion before taking an Ativan in an attempt to smooth the edge off of my anxiety.

Now I’m hungry.

I just ordered HBO so I could watch the new season of The Sopranos, the show Chris and I never missed. We watched it together. Now he isn’t here to see what ends up happening. I almost don’t even care that it’s on. I’m trying to pay attention without feeling guilty. The Sopranos feels funny without Chris next to me. It hasn’t been on since Chris was alive. I’m scared, but then again, scared is part of my new normal.

I start my Psychology class tomorrow evening. I’m looking forward to it. I did some homework this evening, too. I ran 5 miles today, spent some time with my father and his wife and managed to spend the past nine hours in solitude, which is exactly what I wanted to do today.

I hope that someday I can stop crying every night of my life and I hope I can do that without feeling guilt and sadness.