This Is How It Is

(normalcy)

I ran four miles yesterday and then ran another four today. I’m very proud of my accomplishment, even if my left calf is mad at me. I came home and got showered and blow-dried and drove to my director’s house to have a private rehearsal with him, which went very well. Today was a wonderful day to be outside. I dropped by my friend, Carol’s house for coffee. Two of my other friends were there, too. We had a nice time. I did my grocery shopping came home and ate and I’m sitting on the couch now. All in all, today was a nice day. I was very happy.

Flip...(grief)

After becoming enveloped in my own anguish for fifteen minutes, I swallowed my zoloft, which I had forgotten to take today, and washed it down with a swig of red wine. I like wine.

I don’t really know why I am feeling so sad tonight. This feeling is definitely sadness as opposed to anger. I just feel completely beat.

I thanked Chris for being so good to me tonight and told him that I appreciate him coming into my life and staying for a while.

Even though I know my friends and family care about me a lot, tonight I feel like Chris was the only one who ever cared and nobody else ever will. I suspect that grief is just doing it’s thing, twisting truths and draining my strength and any sense of reasoning I might have by way of my tear ducts.

Chris did me so much good. I’m so scared that I’m beginning to let go and I don’t want to. I want to hold on to him, but every day life is loosening my white-knuckled grip on him and skewing my memory of his face, his voice, his walk and his touch. I do not’ want to let go, but I think he wants me to. I’m too scared. I’ll never get him back, again.

I’m very tired. I don’t like life too much these days. I can’t really see the point in most activities other than filling up time and trying to stay occupied until we die. I feel like we’re all just a bunch of gerbils running on wire wheels, not really getting anywhere. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why having somebody special in our lives makes us feel like we have purpose in life. I’m not even sure if finding somebody new is going to restore my purpose. I fear that it has been completely destroyed and it’s not coming back.

Will I spend the rest of my life waiting for life to end? I’m just hanging onto everyone’s belief that my grief will get easier. It has to, because this really sucks. Holding on sucks. Letting go sucks. Not doing anything sucks. It all sucks.

I’ll keep pluggin’ away, feeding off of the good moments and the good days and screaming through the bad ones.

Flip...(normalcy)

I’m going to make some hot chocolate, relax and think about what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow .

Shneed.