The Start

Something is going on and it is making me very unsettled.

On my commute home this evening on the orange line, I suddenly realized that I had not thought about Chris for hours and hours. The thought brought on sadness and guilt and I found myself once again fearing the thought of forgetting him.

Later on, I relayed to Carol my fears concerning forgetting Chris and she gave me some very helpful advice. Carol asked me, “Can you call it something else? Instead of 'forgetting him" can you say that his cancer and death just are not the first thing on your mind anymore?”

I considered the thought and for a brief moment felt like I could breathe again, but then realized that at this precise moment, I can not say that, yet. To admit that is to let go of him and I am not yet prepared to do that. In that respect, I am feeling quite stuck.

The day Chris was diagnosed with cancer was the start of my realization that we all have very littlel control over events that occur in our lives. I have no more control now than I had then. With regard to Chris, I feel unable to control even myself. I want to let go, but instead I hang on. I need to right now. I do not have a real grasp of the reason for my reluctance to loosen my grip on him. The feeling is an instinctive one. I am not really sure what to do about it.