The Truth Beneath the Truth

I’m scared tonight.

I keep thinking, “I’m nothing without my Creej.” Sometimes it is so difficult to let go and even more difficult and shocking to realize that he has been gone for fifteen and a half months. That’s over a year. Where did the time go and why does it feel like I just saw him yesterday? And why do I feel like he’s with me despite the fact that he is physically gone? And I still ask myself, “Where is he? Where did he go?” Will I go there, too? Will I see him? Will we be together, again?

It’s tough to feel like my time is running out. If they don’t already, people are going to begin feeling as though I’m not supposed to still be hurting. Once that happens, I won’t be able to talk about it anymore.

The truth is that I am still kicking and screaming, desperate for all of this not to be true. I feel as though I have buried Chris’ illness deep inside my psyche where I will keep it so I never have to remember what he went though...what we went through, again.

But it doesn’t feel good and I need to find a way to exhume the truth and toss it around and around and around until I can arrive at a conscious sense of peace.

The trouble is I don’t know how.