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After our day together, Robby and Carol went home. I went out to shop some more, not because I wanted to shop, but because I was feeling anxious and I was about to be alone despite the fact that I did not want to be. I still do not want to be.

I am having trouble relaxing. What I really feel like doing is screaming.

In T.J. Maxx, I felt anger take me over as I meandered from merchandise rack to shelf and back around again. I was going to get back at the universe by spending money. THAT would show it. Except that I luckily realized what I was doing and promptly left the store to go home.

Something is brewing. I’m not sure what. Something.

I keep thinking about hypnosis and what it would be like to be brought back in time, beginning at the day of Chris’ diagnosis and forward. There is so much junk inside of me that I’m scared to deal with and I can’t get to it. I think guilt keeps me from dealing wtih it but I don’t know why, Maybe my guilt is a product of the fact that I’m still here and he isn’t or that he felt pain and I didn’t or that he lost his quality of life and I didn’t.

Grief is difficult even though I am willing to get to the core of my pain and work through the trauma.

I am so mad that my love was cut short. I didn’t deserve this. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with anybody but Chris. I am totally stuck.

I remember falling into my chair when Chris’ surgeon told us she got all of the cancer out of him. I remember I cried tears as powerful as the ones I’m crying now except that they were tears of unbridled joy. Tonight’s tears are just tears of yearning. Painful yearning for the one man in my life I ever loved more than everything, ever.

Tonight I feel lilke there is no “over it” or “past it” or “around it”.

Tonight I feel as though I just going to get old and die alone and that’s all going to happen in double-time inside of a five-minute window and I’m going to turn around and wonder where my life went and why I never had the courage to move on.

Tonight I am mad at Chris for leaving me in a world that does not inlcude him. We’re separated indefinitely.