Date: 1.5 A.C. (After Chris)

Our date went really well. We met at a cute, little Italian restaurant and dined together for three hours. We share a love for Broadway shows and music. We were both completely honest with each other, he telling me that he has been divorced two times and me telling him I lost my husband a year and a half ago.

He seemed worried about that timeframe and with good reason. Right before we went our separate ways, I told him I don’t know how this would go for me. I confessed that I am still actively grieving, even though I don’t walk around crying day in and day out. He told me he has no expectations and then hugged me good-bye and kissed me on the cheek. He’s very nice.

I told him I would like to see him again and if he wanted to see me, too, I would like to get together again when he returns from his one-month vacation. He said he would e-mail me from the road, but I’m not really expecting him to an that’s okay. He may even decide that a year and a half really is too risky for him to get involved with me. Time will tell.

Since the date, I have awakened each morning at 3:00 AM crying tears of resignation. I still cannot face the truth entirely. It’s okay. Maybe I will, one day.

Going out with another man for dinner was not as bad as I thought it would be. I had fun. I felt beautiful. I felt as though Chris approved and was proud of me for taking the step. The aftermath is rough, though. I have been crying inconsolably for days and the end is nowhere in sight.

I am so thankful for the job that I have. Being there and having the responsibility I have and the freedom and the trust of my director and coworkers is really providing a balance in my life which is quite helpful. My sanity lies at work these days.

I’m nervous about this man’s return from vacation. I don’t know how I will feel then. It will probably be very good for me to go out with him again, if he wants to see me. I already placed my cards out on the table. I have no secrets.

I really couldn't have asked for a better first date after Chris. My faith in men, which has always been shaky, at best, remains in tact. I did it. It's behind me.

All in all, I’m very proud of myself for taking this step. Although scary and sad, I believe it is quite necessary.

Anxiously,
Shneed