Seeing him for the first time was a surprise. His picture in no way depicted his actual physique and although many women would have been delighted, muscle-bound steroid types have never been my visual cup of tea.
I decided to focus on the man and not the body. And then I decided that this date would be our first and last.
He is nice. He just isn’t for me.
Going home has become a bit of a dreadful occurrence for me these days, especially after a date. I did not go straight home. I went to Carol’s for a date debriefing. We talked for a while until she got tired and needed to sleep at which point we said good bye to each other and I reluctantly drove home.
I changed and climbed into bed where I lay, my eyes wide open and my brain empty. Then I allowed my brain to take me to a place where I could be happy.
I rolled onto my side and placed my hand on the pillow next to me, imagining that Chris lay beside me, my hand on his back. I told myself it was real and he was there and I tried to remember how having him next to me felt. Warm. Safe. Right. Having Creej next to me felt right. As long as he was in my bed with me, and I could feel the heat from his body warming the space between us, I knew I would always feel safe. Last night Chris and I shared my bed once again, if only in my mind.
I cried desolate tears and lay there, my hand on “his back” feeling sad and defeated and pushing the reality, that my hand rested on a mere pillow, out of my consciousness.
At 1:00AM, I still lay awake with no obvious feelings of sleepiness. I decided to swallow half of an Ativan, since I was awakening at 5:30AM to take care of my bills and balance my checkbook before getting ready for work. My life has a way of becoming completely disorganized when I am actively grieving. I needed to pull it all together.
As a result of my lack of a good night’s sleep, I was feeling groggy today. I came home, changed, ran 6 miles, ate, wrote this entry and now I am going to try to relax, relieved that I get to have therapy after work tomorrow. I need it and the lord knows that I have earned it this week.
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How often do you run 6 miles? Do you do that nearly daily? I am also trying to get back in shape and I can't imagine running that far. Being in LA Still, it is nearly impossible for me to drive that far let alone the thought of running it! That is awesome.
ReplyDeleteAre you the Trevor of "Trevor and Nicole" fame?
ReplyDeleteYes indeed. I guess for the last year or so Nicole and I had often wondered what happened to you guys, as we stopped receiving Chris's emails and I guess we went into a bit of denial. We had hoped the best, "like old friends just lost touch" but every now and then we wondered and I guess a part of us just wanted to believe everything was okay. Then the other night Nicole and I were talking about you and Chris over dinner and trying to recall that 24 hour pie house we went to here in LA with you guys a few years back. That night I decided to do a google search for Chris and it lead me to your Blog. I was shocked at what I read, and Nicole and I have been going through our own grief as well. But I feel reading your comments helps me find some closure, and to cope as well with the fact that I lost a friend, and I feel terrible that I lost touch with you guys, especially through such hard times. It's all I have thought about for the last few days. It has been really hard to read what has happened, but I feel it is helping me come to terms with the horrible reality as Nicole and I have both quietly wondered, and worried about him since his emails stopped coming in. I hope you don't mind me looking you guys up, but you and Chris meant a lot to us, and this has been a real shocker to find your blog, but your daily entries have also helped me to cope with the shocking loss of my friend.
ReplyDeleteIt's really good to hear from you. Why don't you send me an e-mail at urlkonig@excite.com with your e-mail address so we can talk more. I think about you guys, too. I'm so sorry you had to find out about this the way you did. It was difficult to make sure I was reaching everyone with the news in the state of mind I was in. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, too.
ReplyDelete