Date-Induced Grief Wave

I’m lonely. I don’t know what I want. I only know that I’m sad and that I don’t like to come home anymore.

I have found myself thinking a lot about marijuana and alcohol lately. I won’t indulge in either one, but I have made a mental note that I have been experiencing some desperation as of late. I feel as though I am standing before three tunnels. One leads to a room full of Ativan. One leads to a room full of alcohol. One leads to a room full of marijuana. I don’t want to go down either one of them. I just want to feel okay again and I’m really not sure that I ever will.

I used to begin getting excited to come home an hour before work ended. There was only one hour separating Chris and me, then.

Grief has been having me for breakfast all month. I don’t know what to do. Befriend it? Envelope myself in it? Live alongside it? I don’t know.

I finally realized why I feel as though Clay can’t always help me and why I sometimes feel as though I am mad at him long after I have gone home. The problem is that I can’t be helped. Chris is gone. Clay can’t get him back for me. If the problem was (and sometimes it is) low self-esteem, Clay knows what to say. When I’m afraid to go on a date, he pushes me (and I get defensive) but nonetheless, he knows what to do. But Clay can’t bring back the dead. I wish he could. I’m sure he wishes he could for his own reasons.

Despite my sadness, I am still forging ahead. The terrain is mountainous and treacherous these days, but I just keep going.