Flicker

Nobody told me this was going to be easy, but after experiencing three successful dates, I began to feel really good about myself and my struggles, which led me to believe I had pushed past the tough part. Every time I think I have pushed past the difficulties encased within my grief I find out that I have really only pushed past a miniscule portion of my grief and the rest is yet to come.

On date #2, we enjoyed dinner and conversation and then moved to another restaurant for a cup of coffee for me and cup of tea for him. As the night progressed and I began to become tired, the magic began to retreat for me. I looked into his face as he talked and right before my eyes, his face flickered from his, to Chris’, back to his, back to Chris’ and so on. I wished I was enjoying an evening with Chris.

His face is different. He’s thinner.

Last night, on my way into slumber, I found myself wondering when the switch between “not love” and “love” happens. I remembered that there was a time when I didn’t yet love Chris. I remembered not even liking Chris. The truth is that after I had been seeing him for a couple of months, I told my therapist I wanted to break up with him. I was bored. He was too nice. He wasn’t for me. She encouraged me to let three more months pass before doing anything. I did, and ended up marrying the love of my life as a result. I remain ever-thankful to her for that priceless piece of advice.

I thought a lot on my drive home after last night’s date. I was frustrated that we don’t love each other, but that thought is absurd. We have been on two dates. Love takes a long time. Love might not even happen between the two of us. Who can say?

Instead of secretly picking on him for not being Chris, I remembered all of the events leading up to me and Chris falling in love and realized that all of it took quite a bit of time.

The important factor for me to be aware of is that even though every man’s face flickers back and forth from Chris’ face to their own, I need to remember that love took a long time to happen. I must not reject somebody for not being Chris because that would put me at risk for spending the rest of my life alone. I didn’t love Chris on our second date and I am not going to love any man on our second date. Love takes a long time to happen.

For now, I am just going to let my relationship with this man simmer in the pot. The ingredients are all there and the finished product is either going to be a tasty treat or not really what I feel like indulging in. The fact is that there is no way for me to know until the time for me to know arrives and the same is true for him.

My best course of action at this point is to continue what I am doing. Live my life. Have my fun. Be with my friends and family. And continue to see this man for as long as the uncertainty remains. Eventually I will know. Eventually, we will both know.

Time.