Limping Forward

I met a man and we really like each other but I am horrified of what that means. I cannot leave Chris. I feel like I am walking out on him. I am very sad and very scared and very anxiety stricken...and very flatterred and hopeful and very smitten. This man is very nice. He is quite a catch. We get along very nicely. We seem to click.

He called me from the road today on his way to New York (making me feel special) and we chatted for a while. When I asked him if he took his planned bike ride he said, “Yes I did! Good memory! Thank you!”

Chris used to thank me for the little things. Can it be that I met somebody like Chris? Is it fair for me to even say that? I am not comparing him to Chris, I am just noticing the similarities. Why wouldn’t I want to be with somebody similar? Afterall, I love Chris and I devoted my life to us. It’s only natural that I would try to find similar qualities in my next soulmate.

Still, some people claim to know me better than I know myself, which is a quality I find to be inherently annoying. Many people in my life have worried about me and with good reason. I have been to hell and partway back and although I am more and more able to stand on my own as time passes, I am still grieving quite heavily. Despite my grief, I am absolutely ready to meet somebody to love. If I wait for the ever-evasive “complete recovery”, I may be sealing my fate. The possibility exists that I will limp through the remainder of my days. I need to get moving and keep working on myself instead of waiting for my spirit to heal. My spirit may never heal completely.

So this man makes me very happy. He makes me laugh. I make him laugh. He is brilliant, the intellectual type in my opinion, but also a sports fan, cyclist and all-around well-rounded guy. He seems very honest and very accepting. Of course, we have only been on one date (two, if you count his relaxing and morphing our “coffee-date” into a “bite-to-eat” date. I mean, really we had our second date right there on our first date!)

Lord, it is tough to let go and start over. I can still remember writing similar thoughts when Chris and I first began to notice we liked each other. I hate that I am forced to write the same type of thoughts about another man instead of reminiscing with Chris about how we met.

Anyway, as I stated, he called today and we talked for a while and decided to see each other again. I’m happy. Guilty, but happy.

And I feel like Chris is happy, too.