Relearning and Old Lesson

Today, I had a “psychic" reading done in Salem, MA, even after submitting the following answer to a question posed by my Psychology professor not more than three weeks ago.

Q: Describe your understanding of and beliefs about ESP and other paranormal phenomena.  For example, are you more or less inclined to believe that phenomena such as telepathy exist? 

A: My fascination with extra sensory perception has waned quite a bit in the past decade as my suspicion has grown to occupy a more prominent part of my reasoning.
 
I used to visit a self-proclaimed "psychic" periodically, mostly for fun and the thrill of dancing with the unknown. This woman read my tarot cards and always seemed dead-on with her interpretations of the occurrences in my life as well as my emotions.
 
When I was in my twenties my astonishment was overwhelming. The experience of having a person who did not know me tell me what had happened in my life during the past year and how I was feeling about it was more magical than a David Copperfield illusion. I was astounded by what this "psychic" knew about me. I didn’t tell her at thing…or did I? Whatever I may have told her, I conveniently shelved in the name of believing.
 
Having exited that decade and finding myself now standing on the cusp of my fourth decade of life my opinion about ESP, clairvoyance and precognition have become tarnished (or scrubbed) with cynicism.
 
Thinking back, I now realize that the “psychic” told me nothing specific about my life and anybody who looks at me long enough can read my emotions like a book. Beyond that, she never predicted anything about my future. She only told me what had already happened and what I was feeling. I was young and impressionable and easily absorbed and accepted every word as the truth. I wanted her to be real. I wanted to be able to do what she did. I wanted to think somebody could see into my soul and my life and my past.
 
Presently, the aspects of the paranormal that I am unsure about (in a positive way) are past lives, reincarnation and the place behind the veil. My personal experience has made denying the existence of such phenomena extremely difficult for me. I have a tendency toward believing there is a place human beings go after their time on earth where they can see, guide and help the loved ones they have left behind and where they rejoin with loved ones who had previously left them behind. I also feel as though we can sometimes be visited by our deceased loved ones through dreams, other living human beings and our own thoughts.

I am ashamed of myself. I feel like I made an impulsive choice and that choice cost me $60.00 I could have used for a better purpose. I am very angry with myself for wanting to have a "psychic" reading when I knew damn well that I already believed it was all crap. Grrrrrr.

I told the "psychic" I wanted to know about my best friend. I didn’t tell him that this best friend I wanted to contact was actually my deceased husband. I thought if he was a true "psychic", he would have been able to “see” that.

He shuffled the tarot cards, had me pull seven of them out of the deck and began asking me questions.

"psychic": Is your friend very tall, like 6’1”?
me: No.
"psychic": Does he have light brown hair?
me. No.
"psychic": Is he 5’10” ?
me: No.
"psychic": Describe him to me.
me: Dark hair.
"psychic": And dark brown eyes.
me: Yeah.
"psychic": Do you want to sleep with him? You want more than you have with him? Does he want to sleep with you?
me: He’s actually no longer “with us.”
"psychic": Oh. (sweeps up the tarot cards and takes both of my hands in his and begins chanting “This is a full "psychic" reading.”) Were you married to him?
me: Yes.
"psychic": Now, did he die suddenly or was the progression a slow one?
me: Slow.

From this point on, the "psychic" lectured me on aspects of love and aspects of grief, never getting back to channeling Chris or predicting anything about my life. I was exhausted and bored and I kept looking at him like he was full of shit. I know he knew I didn’t believe a word he was saying, but he still won. When I left, he was $60 richer and I was out 60 bucks.

I feel dumb. This was a dumb thing to do. I already knew I was a skeptic but I went ahead anyway. Oh well. Now I know and as I stated earlier, “Grrrrrr.”

Chris would not be happy with me for blowing the money. I feel guilty and I feel stupid. I won’t be going to anymore "psychic"s although past life regressions aren’t out of the question.

I have had a very busy two days. I went to Hadley to visit Bonnie, my mother-in-law and Chris’ mother on Friday. After that, I came home and went to sleep. Saturday, I got up at 7:30am and didn’t stop running until 11:30pm. I have a house guest who arrived Saturday night and will be staying possible through tomorrow. My grief is suppressed until I get into bed and break down tonight.

It’s really hard when I can’t just burst into tears. I need to be alone a lot and if I don’t get enough time to just grieve my loss, things in my life become chaotic. I need to cry.

I can’t believe I was sitting around with three friends this evening talking about dating. This was never supposed to be my life. I already got married. It was supposed to last. I was never supposed to be in this position again. I liked my life with Chris. It was my life. I finally found what I had been searching for my entire life. He was here. He was next to me. He was with me. How did this happen? How is it possible that I’m sitting around talking about dates? I hate it. I hate it.

I keep finding myself in a perpetual state of shock as I realize he’s dead and wish he wasn’t and think he’s in contact with me and realize that even if that’s true, it doesn’t make him alive and it doesn’t bring him back and he’s not coming back. This is permanent, not temporary. He’s gone. I lost him. He’s not coming back.

After our readings, we visited a friend who is happily married and has an 11 month old baby boy. She and her husband are cute together. They bought a gorgeous condo together. They live in a lovely part of town. They’re happy. They have each other. It seems to me that I am the only fool who used to be married and is now alone. I feel so stupid.

Why can’t I stop searching for him? I need him so much.

Everything hurts. My skin hurts. My follicles hurt. I’m willingly, yet reluctantly dating.

And I am still lost without him.