So many things are happening at once. Tonight I feel the melancholy that comes along with autumn and I wonder if everybody feels it every year, or it if it is just a part of my own past.
When I got home earlier, I went straight to my computer and began tinkering on a Flash web site that I am building. The air coming through my windows was cool and crisp and the room was dark, save for the light cast by my monitor. I felt familiar excitement while I illustrated backgrounds, activated buttons and tested the movie scene I had been creating. I was lost in my excitement, filled by it.
Memories of autumn aromas filled my senses. I could smell apples, breathe in the view of a giant pumpkin patch and I felt safety. For the first time in a long time, I felt safety. I remembered what it felt like to feel safe, a feeling I haven’t felt for what seems a lifetime and the moment I identified the feeling, I became frightened.
I’m not supposed to feel safe. Feeling safe means letting go. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to hold onto him, he’s going.
I used to come home and work on my web pages when Chris and I were not yet living together. I waited for his phone calls, felt the same cool, crisp air, tinkering in the same cloak of stability and safety I felt tonight. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it. It’s much too scary.
I don’t want somebody else’s love. I want the childlike friendship back that Chris and I built together. To say that I “loved” those days, or “yearn” for them in no way satisfies my desire to describe how it felt to meet him, to get to know him and to ultimately love him beyond any love I have ever felt my entire life through. He was my first.
I am so afraid of what’s happening.
Autumn. Youth. Safety. There is romance in my near future.
I feel robbed and raped and beaten.
And I’m tired. I’m so tired and eternally sorry for everything that has happened.
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Maybe if you looked at autumn as a birth as opposed to a death it might feel better. True, it's the death of summer, but on the other hand, it's the birth of winter...cooler nights, shorter days, darkness and many cups of hot chocolate brimming with peppermint schnapps and Bailey's Irish Creme. It's the dark side of the year for me too, but it doesn't mean that you can't see light inside it.
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