Howard’s New Beginning

Chris’ father, Howard, died today. He had been sick for a while and then in April, he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and emphysema. The doctors gave him one day to six months to live and he died today, roughly five months later.

I’m glad I visited him and got to talk about Chris with him. I got to see him smile and laugh and I saw all of his love for Chris shining through the intense pain that he felt. Howard was a very sad and tired man. I believe he wanted to die because he missed Chris and just because he had a hard life and I’m sure he was tired.

I said it back in April and I’ll say it now. In some bizarre way, I’m envious of him. He got to leave this place. His time was up. Mine will be, too, someday and I’ll be ready to go, too.

I ran after work today to clear my head but I had to stop after four miles. I just didn’t have it in me. After hearing the news about Howard, I sustained an instant headache and became desperately tired. I ran anyway. I walked home the last mile and jumped in the shower. As I stood under the water, I thought to myself, “Chris won’t be around to guide us tonight. He and Howard are having a reunion.” I imagine that Chris was right there waiting for Howard as Howard arrived on the other side. I picture an embrace and a lot of catching up, a private party for father and son.

I just know Howard is happy now, just like Chris after he got to leave his body behind. They’re elated. I can feel it. We wil all see each other again.

I’m half expecting a message of some sort to be delivered to me in my dreams tonight, but that never happens when I’m expecting it.

I feel better tonight. Somehow, knowing that Chris is no longer alone, that he gets to be reunited with is father and imagining the euphoria they both must feel, I feel a little more capable of loosening my white-knuckled grip on...

Hmm...I still can’t call it “the past.”

Shneed