Reality Check

I want to call Marc, but I am petrified right here where I sit. I want to do it, but I can’t. What if he wants to see me? How can I want to call him without seeming like I want to see him? I want to hold onto him, if not forever, then for now. I like him. We have a good time together. How the hell am I going to get past the reluctance to begin anew?

I am supposed to be seeing a hypnotist/past life repressionist this week. My hope is that he can perform some sort of psychological surgery in which he removes the self-talk that keeps repeating, “He’s not Chris, he’s not Chris, he’s not Chris.” All that counterproductive babble is doing nothing to help me progress through the mire that is my predicament. If I can lose the negative (and protective) self-talk, I may feel freer to step in a little more with Marc.

I am stuck. I hate that. I am so good at moving forward and taking life by the horns. How can I be stuck? Stuck is for the weak. Well, maybe stuck is just for the stuck.

Clay’s on vacation for the next two weeks. I want to stop my therapy with him. At this point, I’m not sure that it’s helping me. There’s nothing he can tell me that I don’t already know. I’m going to see how this session(s) goes with the hypnotist/repressionist guy and if I fell as though it does some good, I think I’m going to stop treatment with Clay.

So here I sit, wanting to call Marc, yet frozen. It’s okay, especially if I tell him about it. He’ll be flattered that I wanted to call, even if I don’t do it. I could send an e-mail. That could be okay.

Anyway...This weekend has been lovely. I have seen him twice, my friends, I have gone out to sing, shopped and bought new clothes for work, done a slew of homework and cleaned my apartment almost from top to bottom. I still have the bedroom to complete.

Whether or not I call Marc will not matter at all the next time I see him. Not at all. I’m just going to take this weekend as it comes and try to relax and process and visualize my life the way I want it to be.