Depression and Hope

I have been feeling very depressed for the past week. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, trouble getting ready in time to get to work on time and trouble concentrating on the show, even though while I’m actually performing the show, I feel great.

Last night, I experienced a 2.5 hour, "can't breathe" grief fit that, as usual, began on my walk from the train station to my apartment. I am so tired of choking back the surge of tears I know is coming to claim me. Despite my meltdown, I managed to make homemade spaghetti sauce, wash clothes and clean in preparation for a visit from my mother-in-law tomorrow. Still, the experience left me exhausted and dehydrated.

It's tough these days because I don't want to infect the lives of my friends with my grief anymore. It has been almost two years and I just don't want to do that to them. So I'm feeling isolated. I’m stopping my sessions with Clay at the end of the year, but instead of going it alone, I think I actually will try to find a good grief counselor. Now that I know counselors have all types of styles in which they work, I can try to find somebody who will help me stay on track, suggest action items for me and basically tell me what to do on a bi-weekly basis. No more of this “every week” crap. I’m done.

Chris' birthday is right smack on Thanksgiving day this year. This Sunday is the anniversary of his diagnosis and of our engagement.

I actually know I will fall in love again. I have a date with a very nice man next week and I am crazy about a man at work and I believe he is crazy about me, too.

I just get attacked by the horrible memories of watching the person I loved most in the world become ill and have to deal with it is spirit-crushing. I don't really know how to stop the flashbacks.

I know I will find happiness again. I just do.

In a lot of ways, I'm beginning to think that the only way out of the depression is to meet somebody, fall in love and exist in another partnership like the one I once shared with Chris.