Giving Thanks to the Birthday Boy

Aside from today being Thanksgiving, today is also what would have been Chris’ 36th birthday. I woke up wondering what he might have been doing if he had lived. He would have been working with the Car Talk guys for two years, probably doing something more than screening the calls that come in. I’m sure he would have excelled and they would have loved him and he would have learned so much more about radio than he had ever known before. That’s my Chris. He knew how to apply himself and whether he knew it or not, he always had the power and the ability to turn his dreams into realities.

I have been squashing my emotions since Wednesday’s trip to the library. I worked yesterday and while the rest of the office left at roughly 2 or 3pm, I stayed. My job is business critical and I have to be there all of the time, so if I went home, I would have had to sit by my computer anyway just in case I was needed. I opted to remain at work. Even though I was the only one there, I somehow felt less isolated than I would have felt at home.

I’m doing quite well today, even though the anticipation has been nothing less than horrifying. I can feel that I have cordoned off half of my brain, immersing it in that same fog that doesn’t permit thinking, mourning, wondering and wishing. Basically, the only part of my brain awake today is my realist brain, the part that is going to my father's to celebrate, yes, “celebrate” Thanksgiving. I will not endure another holiday season controlled by fear, anxiety, sadness and yearning. The time has come for me to enjoy my life to the best of my abilities, even if that means that I cry for sixteen days and nights and then celebrate a holiday like I was once able to long ago.

I may need the help of my trusty sidekick, Ativan. Time will tell. I took half of a pill last night before going to my friend, Carol’s house to ring in the Thanksgiving holiday. I wasn’t sure I would take anything to help myself but at the last minute before I left my house I remembered this year’s theme, that which I was just speaking about in the last paragraph. I deserve to have a happy holiday season.

I have endured much pain and sadness, beginning with our move to Los Angeles in 2001 and culminating in a horrid disease that ultimately claimed my husband’s life. Thanksgiving has come and gone for the past five years instilling anger, loneliness, thanklessness, terror, denial, smashed hopes and deflated resign . No more.

Some time ago, I became aware that performing the tasks for which I am responsible alleviates my pain and sorrow and instills in me a sense of accomplishment, self-esteem, self-confidence and strength that I remember from many years ago. I have the power to bring those feelings back into my life. Grief can (and will) stay, too.

Grief is a part of who I am. The emotion is not all bad. Grief has transformed me into an empathic, selfless, deep-thinking, accepting person and even though the pain sometimes feels sharp enough to shred my soul into millions of fragments of my former self-assured, lucky-to-be-with-my-Christopher self, those same fragments, when pieced back together re-adhere to make me a hundred times the person I once was.

Today is Chris’ birthday, November 23. Born in 1970, my sweet, sweet best friend and husband swept me off of my feet 28 years later, brought me on a life adventure from start to finish and changed me and everything I stand for forever.

If I could talk to him, I would tell him all of the ways he changed me for the better, I would reiterate for the hundred-thousandth time how much I love him. I would thank him for coming into my life, and I would try to get him to tell me when I was going to get to join him on the other side. I would tell him how hard not seeing him every single day has been for me, how hard and unfair life can seem when he’s not by my side and how no matter what happens, I am going to try to be the strongest, most determined person I can be and keep pushing, pushing, pushing through the dark haunted forest until the lightness blinds me with love, healing and my own end of life complete with my Chris waiting and watching for me as I transcend my physical, earthly self and join lights with him.

I know the day will come and I am not afraid, but I have a job to fulfill here, first.

I believe that whether we are aware or not, there are people in this lifetime who need us and whose contact with us is also essential to our own growth, understanding and ultimate transcendence into the hereafter. Perseverance, as always, is key.

I didn’t know how to honor my Chris on his birthday, this year, but I now know that I honor him every day I remain on this earth, staying open, inviting my own life to flower and finishing the journey I was sent on thirty-nine years ago, regardless of how long the trip will last. I am helping others. That is why I was sent here and that is what I will work toward until Chris and I meet again.

Happy Birthday Creej. I love you more than I can ever express in earthly terms. Your soul dwells within my own and gives me the strength to stay above water, climb out from under the rubble and continue to give all I can give until my own time comes. Thank you for inviting me out for a cup of coffee and for joining with me in the time we were gifted together. Today I am giving thanks to God for helping us to cross paths and for you for meeting me and helping me grow from a closed-off, sheltered little girl into a wide-open, courageous woman who is not afraid of life or death. I have so much for which to be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-Shneed