Meltdown # 630,116 (seemingly)

I am not messed up I am not messed up I am not messed up.

I need to keep telling myself that. Detrimental thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies in a flash and I have to remember that I am the one driving my life now, “one” being the operative word. Chris is gone. He left.

I just came home from the supermarket. I tried to pay for my groceries with my debit card but it got declined, not because I don’t have money, but because I exceeded my daily withdrawal by paying my school bill this afternoon, which really isn’t a big deal, except that I became a little embarrassed because I got the thought stuck in my head that the cashier thought I was trying to use a “used up” credit card. I felt dumb. I felt poor. I felt inadequate. I feel like a failure. Most of all, I feel like Chris, wherever he may be, is pissed off at me for having to use a credit card to pay for my groceries, which strange (or not) as it may seem, is really just ME being pissed off at me for going against everything Chris taught me. It was unintentional, but regardless, I am really struggling against my tendency toward self-hatred right now.

I have a date with a really nice man tomorrow night and that also has me feeling as though Chris hates me, which is really just more of me hating myself. Or maybe it’s more of me hating Chris for dying. Whatever.

I dont’ think I like this anniversary-season crap.

Okay. It’s out of my system and on paper now.

I’m making a promise to myself. Tomorrow is going to be fun. I am getting up and beginning an exercise regime, again. I am going to run 2 miles. Then I am meeting the pianist to rehearse the songs for the documentary. And then I am going on my date with this man and he is going to like me and it’s going to be okay.

I am not going to act frenzied anymore, tonight. I am going to take Pungent Blunder's advice and take deep breaths until I can see this incident for the "nothing" that it is.

I just worked myself up. Someday, maybe I won't have so many anxiety-related traits. It's hard to believe I was once reasonably calm.