I have had a wonderful , joyous day today for reasons that are not apparent to me.
Work was great. School was fascinating, as usual. and I just enjoyed a glass of wine and a delicious buffalo chicken quesadilla with one of my best and oldest friends who came to meet me after class.
I wish I could pinpoint what was differnet about today, what, exaclty, caused me to wake up one single minute before my alarm sounded when most days since Chris died I have repeatedly reset the alarm only jump out of bed a half-hour late and begin the crazed rush to get ready and get to work consistently ten to fifteen minutes late. Until this morning, I thought my days of rising before the alarm startled me into a conscious state were over.
If I knew what made today different than the grief-filled norm I have come to know, I might be able to take steps toward creating more days like this one. What I do know is that I am heading into bed tonight with a smile on my face and maybe tonight I won’t give in to the unyielding menacing inner voice that tells me it isn’t right to feel happy because Chris didn’t get to.
Maybe.
Shneed
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Oh! This is wonderful, Robin, dear! May you have many happier days ahead! And remember PLEASE, that Christopher would only want you to be happy. He would not want you to punish yourself because he was not a punishing lover. Good night, dear and many pleasant days are just ahead if you keep breathing in, out, in out...You deserve to breathe now.
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