My Dream

I had insomnia last night, waking at 3:00 am and being unable to drift back to sleep until around 5:30.

We walked side by side, me feeling sadness and loneliness and Chris feeling the anger and sadness he felt from his illness. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make him better and to be able to reassure him that he was going to be alright and I wanted to really mean it.

I wondered if he would be able to see me after he died and I said to him. “Can we please talk about this?” He wasn’t willing.

I faced him, stretched my arms high above my head and brought them down and around his neck, embracing him with all of the love I have inside of me, hoping it was helping him but knowing from deep down inside that nothing would.

We were having dinner in a restaurant. I was in a horrible, angry mood. I ordered a cheeseburger and when the food came, I was served what looked like a cheeseburger between two halves of an english muffin. When I bit into it, it was all English muffin and no burger. I became angry and called the manager over. I said, “I ordered a cheeseburger and this is what I got." and then I yelled "I’M PISSED OFF!” I knew my anger was bothering Chris. His anger was much more valid. I tried to send positive energy his way but it just wasn’t reaching him.

A young waiter sat down at our table and he anc Chris were talking. I wanted to talk. I leaned toward the waiter and said, with anger in my voice, “Do you MIND if I talk to my HUSBAND?”

Then I leaned over the table toward Chris and said, “Are you still my husband?” He was angry.

We were walking down the street together, me holding onto his arm like I did when he was here. I just kept sending all of my love and energy through him, trying to help him feel better.

We went to visit Bonnie in what looked like a horrible, messy, run-down child-care facility. the toilets were overflowing and there was water on the floors. We couldn’t find comfortable places to sit. Chris was angry the entire time.

There were yorkie puppies in the closet. I called them over and spent all of my time with one of them, who persistently licked my hand throughout the remainder of my dream.

Okay. I have to stop crying and get ready for work.