Seven Stops on the Grief Express

I had the most magnificent day, yesterday, hosting a Christmas Eve celebration (even though we’re Jewish) at my apartment with my family. Yesterday marks the first time I have ever hosted such a family event and I feel as though the festivity was a screaming success. There was no room for grief in my day. I am truly blessed to be able to see the other people in my life whom I love and who love me.

Still, the moment all of the “good-byes” were said and I found myself standing alone in the middle of my living room, loss came to pay a visit, which made me bizarrely happy. I still need my grief as proof that I love Chris and at the present moment, I am not quite sure how to be certain of that love without tears and crushing despair. Even in the midst of my despair, I accepted an invitation to have dinner with a friend and her family so I picked myself up, brushed myself off and indulged in a Christmas Eve Chinese food binge, which elongated the cheerful day in which I was already ensconced.

The plan was to leave the restaurant, drive around and look at Christmas lights and leave adorable wooden reindeer on random cars as a gesture of holiday cheer. I agreed to accompany my friends but when the time came to leave, I needed to dash home and deal with my feelings. I think I cried for about seven minutes before I opened my laptop and pushed through a class assignment, once again proving that engaging in responsible actions alleviates my sadness. Go me.

I am moments away from leaving, with my brother, to visit my sister’s family and then to visit my father and his wife. Today will also be filled with cheer. I am doing what I have set out to do. I am having a happy holiday season, peppered with grief, but happy, nonetheless.

I got through Thanksgiving, Chris' birthday, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so far, even though I have lived in parrallells along the way, noting what was happening two years ago to the day, every step of the way. Four down, three to go. New Years Eve, New Years Day and my wedding anniversary are the final stops on this year’s grief express.

Choo-choo!

-Shneed